


Wake at dawn (with a winged heart)

by jamie2109



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-25
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-17 00:30:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/545522
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamie2109/pseuds/jamie2109
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>There is an unseen life that dreams us.  It knows our true direction and destiny.  We can trust ourselves more than we realize and we need have no fear of change. </i> ~John O'Donohue</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My first real RPF. I've succumbed to the dark side. I'm blaming the plot bunny with the machine gun threatening dire consequences if I don't give in and write it. There are some parallels with canon, not an awful lot; mostly I've just played with things. The title is a quote from Kahlil Gibran. Big huge thank you to [](http://thrace-adams.livejournal.com/profile)[**thrace_adams**](http://thrace-adams.livejournal.com/) and [](http://montmorency.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://montmorency.livejournal.com/)**montmorency** for their support and beta work. You guys are awesome. Hopefully I'll be posting chapters twice a week but that may become once a week as my job takes over my free time.

Chapter 1

_Dude even had freckles on his lips. Who has freckles on their lips? Tommy smiled to himself as he picked up his bass and slung the strap over his shoulder. It was kind of cool, though, made Adam seem more human somehow, less like a big fucking rock star, and that settled Tommy's nerves somewhat. Even though Adam had been perfectly friendly and relaxed, even making lame jokes about Tommy's creepers to try to put him at ease, Tommy'd still felt like a whole flock of butterflies had decided to take off in his stomach all at the same time. Not that he doubted his ability; he was pretty decent on guitar, but he was trying out for bass and he hardly ever played that. Hence the nerves._

_But freckles! Of all the stupid things to put Tommy at ease it had to be the freckles on the guy's lips that made Tommy wonder what they tasted like, that calmed him down._

_'What are you going to play for us, Tommy Joe?' Monte asked. Monte fucking Pittman! He was playing bass in front of Madonna's guitarist. That thought alone had made the butterflies in Tommy's stomach do somersaults in triplicate when he first realised who he'd be auditioning in front of._

_'Thought I'd do something from the album,' he replied. Adam gave him a big dopey smile as if Tommy had just paid him a huge compliment, and Tommy melted just that little bit more, though he did mutter under his breath that Adam might not feel so flattered if Tommy fucked it up._

_'Ready when you are, Tommy,' Adam said, still smiling._

_All Tommy could do was take a deep breath, flex his fingers and begin to play Strut. He liked the song because of its funky bass lines and how Adam's voice just oozed sex when he sang it._

_When he was done, both Adam and Monte were grinning at him. 'I think you'll fit perfectly, Tommy Joe,' Adam said._

_'After one song?' Tommy raised an eyebrow, surprised. 'Dude, I had like at least a dozen prepared.'_

_'No need,' Adam replied as he moved to stand in front of Tommy. 'I have a gut feeling you and I will make magic up on that stage and I always go with my gut feeling. You up for that?'_

_'Sure,' Tommy almost stammered. Who the fuck ever heard of getting a gig with a real fucking band for an unreal fucking singer after only playing one fucking song? Not that he was going to argue. He didn't think he could find the breath for arguing anyway, as the realisation struck him that he had a real job with a real band, playing for a fucking hot singer. 'I might need to sit down for a bit, though. Fuck, man, thanks.'_

_Adam clapped him on the shoulder, leaving his hand there and squeezing. 'No problem, Tommy. We're going to be fucking awesome.'_

_Tommy looked up into Adam's smiling blue eyes and believed every word he said._

~~~

 

The sound of Manson blasting from his phone woke Tommy and he grumbled as he rolled over to reach for the damned thing. Clear thinking was generally not his forte when he woke, and so he grunted a greeting into the phone.

'Ratliff, don’t forget you're taking the extra shift tonight. I expect you to be on time for a change.'

Dan, the owner of 'Iced', the bar where Tommy worked twice a week, was a jerk but the extra money paid the bills and kept him around the music business as they had live bands on weekends. He'd agreed to fill in for Mia tonight since she was being dragged off by her father for yet another wedding; his seventh by all accounts. He was fairly sure that the Friday night customers weren't going to be happy having their tits and ass eye candy replaced by a tattooed, no-ass guy with a tendency to show off when he mixed cocktails. Still…

'Yeah, dude, I haven't forgotten. I'll be there,' he said groggily, rubbing at his eyes. Fuck, what time was it anyway?

He said goodbye to Dan and tossed the phone back on the bedside table. At some point he'd have to get up and shower but as the dream he'd been having came back to him, he smiled and thought he'd rather think about that instead. For a moment.

He wished, not for the first time, that he'd heard about the auditions before they'd been held. What he wouldn’t give for a paying gig like the one he'd landed in his dream. He wasn't stupid; even though Lambert's music didn't seem to be his thing, he'd play it and love it for a shot at his dream like that. Tommy's biggest dream was to play on stage for audiences and make enough money to live comfortably, just making his music and bringing it to the people.

He frowned. He hadn’t actually heard a lot of Lambert's music, mostly only seen him on Idol and heard a couple of singles from his first album. In the dream, though, he'd felt like he could have listed off several songs and played them all. The bass line of the song he'd chosen to play in the dream came back to him and his frown deepened. He'd never heard that song before in his life. Weird. The whole scene had felt real, like he was actually living it. And he played that song like he'd always known it. And why the hell was he playing bass? He spooked himself for a moment by wondering whether, if he listened to Lambert's album he would find he knew all the bass parts by heart.

The dream was some weird fucked up shit too, because he distinctly remembered thinking Adam Lambert was hot and wanting to taste the freckles on his lips! Damn, Tommy wouldn't know if the guy even had freckles, let alone stray ones on his lips.

Tommy sighed and dragged himself out of bed and into the shower. He had a long fucking day ahead of him, sitting in a goddamned cubicle at the call centre and then a long night shift at the bar. Crap, he was exhausted before he'd even started the day.

 

~~~~

 

_Music loud enough to almost be distorted battered Adam's eardrums. Used to it though he was after a long tour with Idol, it still put a damper on his ability to communicate with his date. On the other hand…_

_He leant close to Tommy's ear, smiling as Tommy's long fringe brushed over his lips. 'Enjoying yourself?'_

_Tommy grinned and turned to face Adam. Had they not been in public, Adam might have moved the tiny distance and kissed him. Tommy really had the most beautiful lips. But Adam hadn’t had enough to drink to not care about kissing his date in public. Already the fans had taken to Tommy as quickly as Adam himself had, and after the fiasco with Drake, Adam had determined that in the future he'd keep his private life private. Being seen out with a band member at a Gaga concert was one thing but being seen kissing him was something else._

_Adam sighed and moved his ear close to Tommy's lips to hear his response._

_'Fuck, yes. It's Gaga,' he yelled. 'She's awesome!'_

_'Not as awesome as you,' Adam yelled back, allowing himself a moment, nuzzling his nose into Tommy's hair. That earned him a pinch at his waist and Tommy moving away from him. He was disappointed until Tommy leaned back close and pecked him on the lips._

_The audience erupting in applause and cheering as the song finished saved him from making a fool of himself and blushing like a school kid. Which lasted about ten seconds because Tommy snuggled in under his arm, raising his eyebrow like he was daring Adam to object._

_Resigned, and hoping none of his ninja fans were in the crowd tonight, Adam shrugged and hugged Tommy close._

 

~~~~

 

For the second morning in a row, Adam woke with a smile on his face. He'd always been one to believe that dreams were supposed to be a message to your conscious self. He wasn't sure what these dreams he'd been having about a man called Tommy, Tommy Joe, actually, were meant to be telling him other than he needed to get laid, but for some reason they made him feel at peace.

It was funny, though; he'd gone to that Gaga concert with a group of friends, hadn't taken a date at all. That was about the only thing different than what had actually happened. The venue, lighting, songs, sound, crowd, all of it was the same - with the addition of a hot little bass player covered in tattoos by the name of Tommy Joe Ratliff.

As he prepared for his day of meetings and time in the studio to record tracks for his second album, he reflected on his mystery man. Obviously after the audition dream he'd had the night before, dream Tommy had decided to stick around. His dream self had felt a connection with this dream Tommy, and for a moment Adam was disappointed that the man was only a figment of his imagination. Still, if all the fantasy did was make him smile, that was so much better than a nightmare. He'd had enough of those to last him a lifetime.

His phone rang as he was walking out the door.

'Adam, we're dragging your brother out to celebrate his new job tonight. You have to be there! He's insisted on a straight bar! You know I can’t go into one of those on my own. I need you to be there to stop me making an idiot of myself over the straight boys.' Sutan's voice became more agitated the longer he spoke.

Adam laughed. 'You could always go as Raja and let them all make fools of themselves over you.'

There was a short silence on the other end of the line. Adam was about to say something else, when Sutan chuckled.

'I've never done that before. Pass myself off as a real girl, not a queen?'

'I could dare you to…' Adam warned. Sutan had never, not in all the years Adam had known him, been able to resist a dare.

'No need, darling, you're on. If I get made, though, you have to blow me in the john.'

'You drive a hard bargain, my love, but you're on.' Adam knew that Sutan didn't actually expect him to give him a blow job. It was something they'd joked over once and it had become the standard stakes in their dares. 'And of course you have to blow me if you don't so much as get a hand up your dress.' Adam laughed.

'Darling, just for that I'm going to tuck so tight that even a grope won’t find it.'

'Don’t cut off your circulation,' he teased. 'Where are we meeting?'

'Iced at 11. Neil wants to eat first with whatever her name is this week.'

'Another new one? He goes through them like butter.'

'Trades on your name, love. Cut him some slack, though, can't be easy having you for a brother.'

'Little shit.' Adam loved his brother but too much time in the same place had them reverting to childhood arguments. He never understood half of what Neil talked about and he knew that Neil had zero interest in the things Adam did, but when it came down to it, Neil was very loyal and had been nothing but supportive of Adam's chosen career. Even if he did call him princess too often.

'Pick me up. You can be my chauffeur tonight.'

'I'm not wearing a cap,' Adam shot back.

'Oh, but you'd look adorable.'

'Nope. But if there's paps there, I'll escort you in and you can pretend to be my date for the night.'

Sutan laughed. 'Won’t that get the tabloids talking.'

'Serves them right. See you later on.'

 

~~~~~

 

By some fortuitous luck, Adam and Sutan entered the bar at the same moment the music stopped and the voices of the patrons took over. Just as the initial hubbub quieted, the door creaked shut behind them, and for several long moments they were the focus of attention. While Adam was used to the scrutiny, Sutan was dressed as, and trying to pass as, a woman for the first time and he blushed lightly. Not enough to show through his makeup, but enough to make him curse under his breath. He gathered himself and stood tall, aware that most of the looks he was receiving were appreciative; after all he looked stunning: blonde, tall, packed and tucked and crimped and plucked and made up like he'd never been before. Even Adam had whistled.

Adam touched his arm. 'They're over there,' he said, pointing to a corner to the right. 'I'll get some drinks.'

Sutan placed his hand on Adam's arm. 'No, darling, I'll get this round, I feel like giving these boys something to gawk at.'

'Hussy.' Adam grinned and kissed his cheek. 'Go get 'em, tiger. Call for help if you get molested on the way.'

'Darling, I have six inch stilettos on. Any unwanted attention will be easily dealt with. Now go and greet your brother and let me have my five minutes of fame.'

'Certainly, Melanie.'

The music started up again as Sutan – Melanie – sashayed over to the bar. People moved out of her way as she walked, a smile on her face, keeping her eye on the cute blond bartender as focus. No one bothered her; she knew that due to her height and the way she looked they would be intimidated and she enjoyed every moment of the thrall she seemed to hold them in.

~~~~

 

Thankful for a break in customers, Tommy was taking the chance to catch up with making sure the freshly washed glasses were all dry and ready for use. It had been a pretty good night so far, especially because he'd been behind the bar and not out in the crowd tending tables like the girls. He preferred being behind the bar, making cocktails and getting to chat with awesome people behind the safety of the chrome bar. On the rare occasions he was made to wait tables, people had a tendency to crowd into Tommy's space too much because he was short. Short-ish.

Besides, he was tired tonight. He'd had another one of those dreams with that Lambert – Adam – in it, where they'd been to a Lady Gaga concert. On a date! At least that's what his dream self thought. And Tommy had kissed him and liked it and, what was worse, his dream self had memories of other kisses, other evenings out together, of playing with the band on television and one heart-stopping kiss on National television at the AMAs. That Tommy was confused by these dreams was an understatement.

When he looked up, everything seemed to be moving in slow motion because there was a gorgeous vision walking towards him. Blonde, tall, fuck was she tall. Tommy thought if he were standing next to her he'd get a face full of boob. And wasn't that a nice thought? And she seemed to have a flirty smile all for Tommy.

His breath caught. Normally hot women didn't come on to him like that. Mostly they wanted to hug him and take him home and feed him.

The vision approached the bar and time sped up again, making Tommy blink and manage a smile. 'What can I get you, ma'am,' he asked loudly over the thump of the music.

'Two double scotch, rocks,' came the deep, rich, and very obviously male voice. Tommy almost dropped the towel and the glass he was drying in shock. This was a guy? Fuck.

'Sorry, wasn't expecting that,' he said, giving her… _him_ a grin.

'No problem, gorgeous.' Sutan laughed. 'If a bartender can’t spot it, I'm sure none of these losers will.' He indicated the customers. 'Bet they've never seen anyone like me before.'

'You'd be surprised.' Tommy grinned at him. 'Half this crowd plays some form of music, or they're in theatre, bands and stuff. They've been around.'

'Ooops, regulars then?'

Tommy nodded as he filled two tumblers with ice. 'Mostly. There's a crowd over in the corner that I've not seen here before, but the rest are familiar.'

'How would you like to help me out with a bet I'm having with a friend of mine?'

'If I can,' Tommy replied, because he was just that intrigued.

'Bet is that I won't get made tonight, that I can pass as a woman. Point out the guys I need to stay away from for me?'

Tommy grinned. That was no hardship. 'What's in it for me?' he asked.

The man laughed and leant on the bar. 'Well, my friend has to blow me out back if I win. Don’t suppose…'

Tommy cringed inwardly, and forgot to stop pouring the scotch into the tumblers until it ran over the sides and dripped onto his apron, soaking it. 'Damn,' he exclaimed, embarrassed. 'Sorry.' Tommy shook his head and began to sop up the mess.

A blow job was a blow job, but… to be honest if he didn't know the guy was a guy he'd think twice. But then there was Beth to consider and if she ever found out…he'd never hear the end of it. Tommy wouldn't even be lucky enough to get dumped; she'd just harp on about it and make him pay for the rest of his life.

'Just my luck, the only cute guy in the room is straight.'

Tommy finished cleaning up the mess and placed the overfull tumblers in front of the guy. 'Some days it would be easier if I wasn't,' he mumbled.

'Name's Melanie for tonight,' the guy said and stuck out his hand.

'TJ,' Tommy replied, shaking it.

'Pleased to meet you, TJ,' Melanie said, giving him a stunning smile that had Tommy almost forgetting Melanie was a man. 'Come over when you get off. I'll buy you a drink.'

'Sure, thanks.' Tommy grinned. 'First round on the house,' he said to make up for spilling them.

'You're so sweet. What a waste.' Melanie sighed, gave him another killer smile and left with the drinks.

And Tommy would have joined them for drinks, but his mother called five minutes later, telling him his sister had been rushed to the hospital in early labour and could he please come get her and take her down there. With Lisa still having ten weeks to her delivery date, there was cause for concern, so he organised one of the waitresses to take over and he left.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2. 

If there was one thing Tommy hated, it was hospitals. The sterile atmosphere, the unrelenting white as if that meant all the germs would run and hide, and the smell. As long as he lived, Tommy knew he'd always be able to pick out the hospital smell from anything else. It always had such a visceral effect on his body. His stomach clenched and, until he became acclimatised, his hands shook, even though he willed them not to. This aversion to hospitals came from long, lonely nights sitting by his father's bed before he'd passed away over a year ago. The nights had been the worst. Seeing as he suffered from insomnia at the best of times, he'd sent his mom and his sister home of an evening, promising to call them if anything happened. Then he'd sit by his dad's bed and just watch him. In the dead of night, even the nurses were quiet and the silence used to prey on Tommy's feelings of helplessness, of not being able to do anything. Despite his insistence to the contrary, he'd have given anything to have had someone with him to help him grieve.

Now, sitting in the waiting room while Lisa was having an emergency cesarean to deliver her baby, Tommy tried desperately to will away the feelings of anxiety and his irrational fear that something bad would happen to her or the baby. Sitting across from him was his mom and Lisa's husband. Both of them seemed to be holding up well, though his mom showed her worry by alternately glancing at the clock every two minutes, and avidly watching the door, waiting for a doctor to come and give them an update. 

Tommy thought he probably should have called Beth to let her know what was going on, but then she'd want to come and he just couldn't handle her clinging to him at the moment. Not now. Not when his stomach was still twisting and he had enough trouble being strong for his family. It was also the middle of the night and she would be asleep. Time enough to call her in the morning. 

'I wonder how much longer it will be,' his mom said and Tommy could hear the strain in her voice. 

Barry, Lisa's husband, took her hand and held it in his for a moment. He didn't need to answer, because they'd all asked the same thing at some point, and they knew nothing more now than they had then. Eventually, Barry stood and suggested he go and get coffee. Tommy looked at his worried face and really felt for the guy; his whole life was on that operating table. Wife and child. 

'Really strong black for me,' Tommy replied. Giving Barry something to do might help the time pass. 

'Right.' Barry nodded and started to walk away, but stopped and half turned back. 

'I'll come find you the minute we hear anything, I promise,' Tommy said. 

'Okay, okay. That should be alright, then.' He gave Tommy a helpless look. 'I just…I can't…'

'Don't worry, I get it,' Tommy interrupted. He knew all about feeling useless and being worried sick. 

Barry shot a look between Tommy and his mom and nodded again before he left. 

'Are you going to call Beth?' his mom asked, probably just for something to say to keep away the silence. She didn't sound like she really wanted to know the answer. 

'In the morning,' Tommy replied. 

She sighed. 'I wonder how much longer it will be.'

Tommy gave a sigh too, and slouched back in the seat. 

To distract himself, he took out his phone and checked his twitter account, not that there'd be much activity at this time of night. Not unless his friends were as sleep deprived as he was. 

He was right; there were a few posts about friends being out and partying all night and there was one that made his ears burn. 

_Sammeej  
@Sammeej: One of these days I'm going do makeup better than @adamlambert Fierce bitch! _

There was a link to a picture and Tommy only hesitated a moment before opening it. The only times he'd seen Adam in his dreams, the man had been make-up free, but his dream self had memories of Adam in make-up. Still didn't prepare him for the kick in the stomach seeing him made up professionally at some photo shoot. Fuck, the man had some looks. Not that Tommy was attracted or anything; he liked girls. Even had a girlfriend. But that didn't mean he was blind. 

Tommy returned to the tweet and clicked on Adam's twitter name, checking out the type of tweets he sent. That couldn't hurt, right? The man was showing up in his dreams, it was only natural that he be curious about what sort of person he was. He hit 'Follow' before he could stop and think about it too hard and quickly shut his phone down. 

Barry returned with coffee and handed Tommy his, which Tommy sipped at before sighing and closing his eyes. It was late and he was tired. If it wasn't for the pervading sense of worry about his sister and her baby, he'd fall asleep in the uncomfortable waiting room chair. At least he wouldn’t have to work tomorrow, or later today rather, although seeing as he'd run out early he might have to make up some hours. 

'I wonder how much longer it will be,' his mom said again. 

'I don't know, mom,' Tommy said, sighing as he moved to sit by her. He put his arm around her and drew her close. 'Have a little faith,' he whispered tiredly, knowing she'd take comfort in the reminder of her faith, even while acknowledging his own history with his parents' religion was problematical. 

~~~

 

_'Anyone seen Tommy?' Adam asked. Monte shook his head, as did the rest of the troupe who were all making last minute preparations for the show by checking each other's make-up and costumes. Adam hadn't seen Tommy in make-up, or for that matter, for at least a couple of hours, and he was so used to having the man close by his side he felt like something was missing. He knew Tommy needed his space sometimes but he was never not around for pre-concert prep._

_'Who saw him last?' he snapped._

_Monte tried to placate him. 'I'm sure he just wants some space. It's not easy being surrounded by people all day every day. He'll be here, have a little faith.'_

_Adam sighed. 'I know, you're right, it just feels wrong him not being here yet.'_

_'He took a phone all about an hour ago. Maybe he's still talking,' Sasha said._

_'Oh, you know who from?' Adam knew it was none of his business but his balance felt off somehow, which meant that something was not right with one of his family and it was his responsibility to take care of them all._

_Sasha shook her head. 'Nope. He just said 'hi' and took off.'_

_'I'll go and check if he's in make-up yet,' Adam said._

_As he trekked the long hall from the waiting room to the make-up room, Sutan exited from one of the doors carrying a can of soda, a frown creasing his forehead._

_'Oh, Adam,' he said. 'You ready for the show?' The smile Sutan gave him was trying to reach his eyes, Adam could see, but it wasn't working._

_'All set,' Adam replied. 'Just looking for Tommy. Has he been in make-up yet?'_

_Sutan nodded, the frown becoming deeper. 'Can you give him a bit of space? At least until after the show? He's received some bad news from home and he's dealing, but…'_

_'What?' Adam's immediate concern was for Tommy. 'Is he all right? Let me see him. He shouldn't have to deal with whatever it is alone. '_

_Sutan placed a hand on Adam's chest. 'No, just let him be. His first concern is for the show and he says if he has to deal with everything now he won't be able to go on stage tonight. And you know how you two are together. You'd wrap him up in a hug and he'd break. Let him be strong on his own, okay? Comfort him after the show.'_

_Adam wanted to protest, but Sutan was right. If Tommy was trying to be professional about this then he should give him the respect of letting him. He could quite easily see how breaking down this close to show time would be mortifying for Tommy. But he wanted nothing more than to go into that room, find out what Tommy was dealing with and somehow take away the hurt. Or offer comfort._

_'And give him some space on stage tonight. Don’t tiptoe around him but don't push him too far.'_

_'I know!' Adam scowled, moving his hand up to run his fingers through his hair before he remembered that it was full of product and he had a stupid hat on anyway. Fuck it all, he felt useless. 'Can you tell me what happened?'_

_Sutan gave him a sorry smile. 'Can’t, baby, it's for him to tell, and he will. He loves you and you know damned well you would have been the first one he told, but he came rushing in all concerned about being late and letting you down. It was only that he looked like he'd been hit with a sledgehammer that I knew something was wrong and made him tell me.'_

_Adam gave him a grudging smile. 'Yeah, you're good at that.'_

_'Not your best friend for nothing, am I?' Sutan smiled back and hugged Adam tight. 'Now go make sure everyone is ready and rock the house tonight, okay? I'll make sure Tommy is your pretty kitty and he gets there on time.'_

_'I don’t really care about the show, just him…' Adam started but Sutan stopped him with a finger to his lip._

_'I know and he knows it too, but he needs to do this his way.'_

_Adam sighed. He hated feeling useless; frustration would eat at him until his nerves wanted to jump out of his skin. He supposed if this was what Tommy wanted then he wasn't being useless after all._

_But he couldn't help feeling like in some way he was letting Tommy down by not being there for him._

~~~

 

Adam woke feeling heavy inside. His dream was still so clear in his mind that the emotions and feelings had carried over into his waking state. There was no explanation as to why he was feeling this way; Tommy was a dream, did not exist in real life and therefore was not going through any family emergency. Which was just as well; he never wanted any of his friends to go through hardship. But he was becoming familiar with his dream Tommy now, and understood that his dream self was developing a strong attachment to the tiny bass player. 

Dreams had a way of knowing things. Like knowing that Tommy had been raised Catholic and had delighted in terrorising the nuns at school, had giggled endlessly about hiding the incense the priests used in mass services because it made him sneeze. He knew how many tattoos Tommy had on his arms, when he'd had them done and in what order. He knew what movies Tommy liked, what food he hated and, most importantly he knew what Tommy tasted like. 

Kisses that made Adam's toes curl, Tommy's tongue wrapped up in his own, the secret smile Tommy had right before he ground a heavy erection into Adam's thigh, the scent and taste of Tommy's throat after a shower, before a show, after a show when he'd been sweating on stage. And the one that stopped Adam's heart, the sleepy, happy smile and kiss that greeted him in the mornings. 

Part of Adam wanted to live in his dreams. His waking life was awesome and he would never change a thing. Still, that simple connection and chemistry that he had with Tommy in his dreams was lacking in his life and he regretted that. Perhaps that was what the dreams were trying to tell him. He was deficient in the being-in-love department. 

Glad it was Sunday, Adam tried not to let the distressing tone of his dream affect his only day off this week. Not that he ended up having a real day off. He'd been hearing rumours about some old songs he'd recorded pre-Idol being packaged and sold as an album in competition with his own second one, and that Monte was involved in it somehow. He'd known Monte for several years, felt like part of the family – him and Lisa and the kids. Monte was one of the only people he'd trust with organising the music for his concerts. They'd worked together on several projects and he'd even been thinking of collaborating with him on at least one song on this second album. 

Monte's words from the dream kept coming back to him… _have a little faith_ because he knew Monte, knew that one of his best friends wouldn't do anything to detract from his career. He trusted Monte. If the songs had been amazing, Adam might have even tried to purchase the rights and use them on the new album, but they weren't; they were mediocre and unfinished and if that producer was going to try and cash in on Adam's success then he needed to know how to combat it. 

But he was going to ignore the rumours about Monte being involved and _have a little faith_ in one of his best friends. 

He picked up his phone and dialed Monte's number. 

'Hey, sorry to bother you on a Sunday. How're Lisa and the kids?' he asked when a grumpy Monte answered. He could hear one screaming child in the background.

'You want one of them? You can have the screaming one. Sounds like he's going to have a set of lungs on him to rival yours anyway,' Monte said. 'May as well take him early and train him well.' 

'You can have that on your own,' Adam said, cringing. 

'And after all I've done for you,' Monte grouched, wryly. 

'Yeah, yeah, forever grateful and all that.' 

'So what do you – get off me, Ariel, Daddy's on the phone. Go and sing Atty a song, see if that shuts him up – sorry about that. I was trying to ask what you wanted. Typical kids, don’t want anything from you all day and then the minute you get on the phone they need everything right now!' 

'Won’t hold you up, but hey, I was wondering… remember those old songs we did in the studio?'

'That stuff we did for Welsford?'

'Yeah, have you heard that they’re being put into an album that will be for sale?'

'Nope, not heard anything about it.'

'Hm, ok, well keep your ear out. It would be a really bad time for this stuff to be in competition with my second album. I'm under enough pressure to produce something amazing as it is.'

'Will do, though I can't see the problem. It's all music, right? And I'm sure we'd see some of the profits.'

'I don't care about the money. Those songs aren't even finished properly; they're at most only demo quality.'

'The fans will buy it anyway, don’t worry about it.'

Adam sighed. 'That's not really the point. Just…if you hear anything will you let me know?'

'Will do, buddy. Now you sure I can't tempt you to take one of these kids off my hands? He's going cheap. Reduced rate for a friend.'

'No.' Adam laughed and said goodbye. _Have a little faith,_ he told himself. 

So why was he still feeling unsettled?


	3. 3

At some time after 5:00 am, the doctors finally allowed them in to see Lisa. She'd been in recovery for some time as there had been an issue with the anesthetic they'd used and she'd taken a long time to come out of it. All was good now, though Lisa looked like she'd been put through the wringer – they all probably did – but she had a smile on her face. 

There were hugs and tears all round, Tommy clinging to her when it was his turn and whispering in her ear, 'I am not letting you go,' the emotion tightly wound in his chest at the thought that they might have lost her. 

Lisa replied, 'Not going anywhere, Uncle Tommy,' while she returned the hug as best she could. When he pulled back to look at her, he saw the lines of exhaustion and worry crowding out the smile in her eyes. Tommy knew her mind was on her baby girl attached to so many monitors and tubes in the humidicrib that it was a wonder the baby was visible at all. Tommy gave Lisa a weak smile at being called Uncle, and moved away, sitting on a chair in the corner, leaving his mom and Barry to be close to her. It should have been a huge celebration at being called Uncle – he was an uncle now! – he should be so fucking stoked at being an uncle that his smile should threaten to wrap around his ears. 

Instead, Lisa's baby, born way too early, was fighting for her life in the neo-natal ward of the hospital, her chances of survival about even. The doctors told them that if she survived the first twenty-four hours that should give them more hope, but it might be weeks before they could be confident. Which meant he was left in a limbo of elation that she was born clouded by the dread of her condition. 

His mom was still sniffing and wiping her eyes, not that Tommy blamed her, and Barry had a tight hold on Lisa's hand, as though if he let go of her she might disappear. He sat quietly and watched them as they spoke, talked about the baby's condition and discussed a name for her. 

'We've decided to name her Evelyn Rose,' Lisa said. Barry squeezed her hand and leant in to kiss her softly on the lips. 

'That's a beautiful name,' his mom said, smiling. Tommy agreed but Lisa and Barry were looking at each other, drawing support from one another, so he said nothing. 

As he looked around the room, he realised that there was no sign in here that a baby had been born. No cards or flowers or balloons or gifts. Not that they'd had the chance to really think about that before, and he was unsure if they were even appropriate in these circumstances, but if it were him, he'd want to think positive – and that meant celebrating the birth as they would have had she been born on time and with no problems. 

While no one was paying him any attention, Tommy slipped out of the room to hunt down the gift shop, aiming to get some flowers and a card. And perhaps baby Evelyn's first teddy bear. He also had a phone call to make to Beth, which he did while he was walking. She promised to be there as soon as she could. 

There wasn't a huge selection at the gift shop and he was lucky that the maternity section of the hospital had its own gift shop that was always open, but he managed to find a stuffed fluffy black kitten wearing a pink collar, and flowers that looked cheerful but were probably only a day away from beginning to die. Choosing a card was much easier.

He made his purchases, wrote on the card in the store, and then stopped off for coffee and muffins on his way back. 

When he stepped back into Lisa's room, struggling to hold everything, his mom gasped. He looked up at her and for a moment the look on her face made him think he was being insensitive or something. He got that from time to time. People said he acted without thinking first, which was true, but then he'd always prided himself on being just who he was. 

His eyes shifted to Lisa's face to see she was smiling. Tommy smiled back at her. 'Congratulations,' he said. 'Prerogative of the favourite uncle to give Evelyn her first cuddly toy.' He dropped the muffins on the chair and carefully set the tray holding the coffees on the table, before handing over the flowers, gift and card to Lisa and dropping a kiss on her cheek. 

Lisa smiled and lifted the flowers to smell them. 'Oh, Tommy,' she whispered, looking like all of a sudden the whole traumatic day had finally caught up with her. Tommy thought she was going to cry, maybe his mother was right and he'd been a jerk. But the smile Lisa turned on him spoke of something different. 'This whole thing has felt unreal, like it was someone else going through everything, the pain and the panic, and then nothing and then waking up to being told I had a baby… Now,' she paused as her lip wobbled slightly, 'now it feels real. I'm a mother.' Tommy breathed a sigh of relief. 'Thank you,' Lisa finally whispered. 

Tommy smiled back. 'Don't be too thankful for the flowers. They don't look the best, but they were all that was available at this time of day.'

'Oh, I don't care,' she said. 'It was a beautiful thought.' 

His mom stood and hugged him tight and something loosened in his chest. The atmosphere in the room lightened and everyone started smiling and making plans to go and see the baby, discussing when they might be able to bring her home and looking forward to being able to take her places and show her things. Tommy wondered if they weren't getting ahead of themselves; Evelyn still had a long way to go. But then Lisa had some life back in her face and she was smiling, just as someone who had given birth should do, so Tommy tried to stop worrying. Things would be all right. He could be strong for his family. 

A nurse arrived and checked Lisa's chart, left and returned with a vase for the flowers. They did look pretty colourful in the sterile room. 

Amidst all this, Beth arrived and immediately gushed all over everyone. She was tiring to watch, really, though Tommy thought anyone would be tiring to watch after he'd had no sleep and was strung out. His mom liked her, which was tiresome at times, because her subtle hints about maybe settling down and having his own family were made in front of Beth, too, and Tommy wasn't anywhere near ready to settle down yet. Not for years. Beth was nice, really nice. Pretty, dark haired and with a big smile. Tommy liked her, he really did, just sometimes, when he stopped and thought about it, he wondered if it was going anywhere. 

To give himself something to do, he took a few sips of his coffee and then idly broke off small pieces of a banana muffin and ate them. They were dry and a bit tasteless, but better than nothing. Better than trying to make conversation with Beth, which was a horrible thing to think, but she was sitting beside him, arm linked through his, talking as if they were already engaged and planning their own family. He kept telling himself that now was not the time to raise the argument that he had no plans to get married and have children. Lisa's hospital room should remain a positive place. 

Eventually, the nurse came and herded them out of Lisa's room – Barry was allowed to stay but the rest of them were told to come back after dinner. Lisa needed her rest, and honestly, Tommy was glad to leave. Normally he shrugged off Beth's more irritating attributes but today seemed like she was rubbing his last shred of patience too thin. 

He headed home, promising to return later, grunted hello at his housemate Mike as he stumbled in the door, then promptly faceplanted his bed and was asleep before he remembered he still had his clothes on. 

~~~~

 

_'Whatever's wrong, dude, we're here for you,' Sasha said, giving him a loose one-armed hug before flaking out on the sofa in the main dressing room._

_Tommy didn't say anything at first; he thought he'd hidden his emotions pretty well there up on stage. He picked up a bottle of water, unscrewed the top and drank deeply. He didn't...it wasn't that he didn't want to tell them all, he just wanted time to sort it all out in his head first. And if he was honest with himself, he really wanted Adam's strong arms around him reminding him it was safe to just crash, switch off for a while and give his brain and emotions time to catch up to each other._

_'Thanks,' he finally said. 'Just some…family stuff.' The dull ache in his chest made itself known again and he rubbed it unconsciously._

_'Yeah, well, you can't choose your family but you can choose your friends and you chose awesome ones, dude.' Sasha grinned at him, the smile soothing some of the ache that seemed to have been attached to him since he'd received the phone call._

_Tommy smiled at her and sat on the arm of the sofa. 'What did I do to deserve such awesome friends?'_

_'Well, you're pretty and you snuggle like a kitty cat and Adam makes you purrrr…' she teased. Tommy gasped in mock outrage and began to tickle her, not stopping even when she shrieked at the top of her lungs._

~~~~

 

When Tommy woke from his nap, he still felt the ghost of the stitch he'd had in his dream from laughing so hard while tickling Sasha. He didn't know a Sasha, but his dream self did. Obviously. She seemed really cool; one of those chicks that you could just relax around and be yourself, not always be on your best behaviour because she was a girl. His dream self had many memories of games with Sasha, one memorable one where she farted in his face. He'd pretended to gag at the time and Adam had unceremoniously dumped Sasha on the floor and held her down with his feet on her stomach. Until she'd farted again and everyone collapsed in laughter. It was kind of amazing that he felt like he knew everyone in his dreams so well. Hot on the heels of that thought came another where he wondered how many of the other people that occupied his dreams lately were real. It was strange enough that Adam was a real person; he thought he'd probably freak out if he found the rest of them were real too. He knew Monte was real and LP, too; they were musicians and he'd heard of them. 

He was trying to ignore the fact that he seemed to be in a relationship with Adam fucking Lambert. Perhaps he should do some research into dreams and find out why he was having such dreams about a gay singer, when he was straight and had always been straight. Okay, straight, yes, but not immune to finding men attractive. 

Despite the bizarre content of his dreams, they were still a happy place, even though his dream self was experiencing finding out that his father's cancer had stopped responding to treatment. He remembered his dream self _knowing_ about the phone call he'd received from his mother. In reality, he'd taken his father to the doctor for the results of the latest round of tests, and he'd been there, lived it first hand when the devastating news had been given. His father had lived mere months after that. 

And now here he was going through another family crisis and wishing he had someone like Adam to hold him so he could just let go. 

He checked the time on his clock and groaned; two hours sleep was better than nothing. He rolled over onto his back and stretched to work out the kinks. He'd promised to pick up some things for Lisa from her home, as they'd not expected to have the baby so early and were completely unprepared. But that could wait, as he couldn't go back until visiting hours anyway. 

He made a few phone calls to friends and family, letting them know the news, and one to the hospital to check on Lisa and Evelyn's condition. Unchanged, which was a relief. Then he powered up his laptop while he went and hunted down coffee and something to eat. 

Mike was seated on the sofa, playing a game on the PS3. They'd been friends at school and lived together for the last five years, ever since Mike's family had moved out of state, leaving him in the house by himself. The rent was a bit more than Tommy had wanted to pay, but he got an awesome housemate out of the deal and a nice roof over his head. 

'Heard any news yet?' Mike asked, jumping in his seat as something on the screen attacked his player. 

'Morning to you, too,' Tommy grumped, heading straight for the kitchen. 

'I could say good morning but it's the middle of the afternoon, man.'

Tommy waved at him vaguely without answering and poured himself a cup of coffee from the freshly made pot. Fuck, he loved Mike. Must have heard him moving around and been a good friend, making sure Tommy had coffee in his hands as soon as possible. He thought he might hug Mike to bits and ruin his game. 

He grinned and went back to the lounge and dropped onto the sofa beside him. 

'Thanks for the fresh stuff, dude.'

'No problem. Figured you had enough on your plate.'

Maybe Mike could be the one to…nah, his and Mike's friendship was not like that. Tommy could maybe talk to him about almost anything, and the odd manly hug was acceptable but anything that resembled a full on hug or extended body contact, Mike was uncomfortable with. Besides, Beth should be the one comforting him, right? Tommy shook his head as he sipped his coffee, like Beth was built that way, either. She'd let him hug her, maybe even pat his head, but then she'd start babbling on about what he should be doing. She wouldn't just let him be. 

While he watched Mike kill another monster in the game, he dug around in his dream memories of times when Adam had wrapped him up in a hug. There were many of them and he closed his eyes and let himself feel the echoes of strength through those arms as they held him tight. If some part of him wanted to scream about letting a man so close, it was being very silent, so Tommy packed away any doubts, let himself go and believed that everything would be all right. 

After several long minutes, Tommy opened his eyes again, wondering if he should ask Mike if he'd ever had dreams that were quite like the ones he was having recently. Mike would likely think he was losing his mind, suggest he give up working at the bar and get some more sleep, but Tommy needed to ask someone and Mike was a good guy. These dreams weren't normal.

'You ever had dream where you're living another life?' Tommy asked, getting up to refill his coffee. 

'What? Someone else's life, you mean?'

'Kind of…no, not really,' Tommy hedged. 'I've been having these dreams where I'm living a whole other life. Still me, but a different life.'

'Sure, we all do that. We all wish we were living some fantasy.'

Tommy shook his head and drank some more coffee. 'This is more like…it's been several dreams night after night, same life…continuous, like,' Tommy said. 

Mike paused his game and turned to Tommy, raising an eyebrow. 'The dream continues from where it left off, you mean?'

'Sort of…Like there are all these people in it that I don't know, some are real people and the rest, I have no idea, but time…jumps, and when it does the me in my dream has all these memories of what happened in between.'

'Dunno, man,' Mike answered, giving him a puzzled look. "I've heard of lucid dreaming but this doesn't seem like that.'

'What's lucid dreaming?'

'Where you can influence the direction your dreams take. Like you're awake and directing the dream at the same time you're dreaming it.'

'Like a movie director?'

'Dunno how it works, but maybe?'

Tommy finished off his coffee, sighing. Mike wasn't helping. The dreams didn’t bother Tommy; he was in a good place in those dreams. It seemed he was happy and loved his job playing bass guitar for Adam Lambert and traveling the world – who wouldn’t be happy with that? 

'No, I don’t think it's anything like that,' Tommy said. Pretty sure that if he had a choice in his dream he wouldn't choose to be head over tit in love with Adam. 'I'm gonna catch up on a few things before I head back to the hospital.' Thinking of the hospital reminded him of his niece and what she must be going through and the ache in his chest came back. It was becoming a familiar pain already. He hated that.

'No problem. Let me know when you’re going and I'll come with you.'

'Cool.'

Laptop up and running when he went back into his room, Tommy settled in to do some research on premature babies. The more information he found the more encouraged he became that things would be all right for Evelyn. Although there were too many horror stories of babies that were thought to be out of danger, relapsing due to weakened hearts or immature lungs, catching infections and dying anyway. Still, at least he had confirmed what the doctors had been telling them. 

Seeing as he had a bit more time he switched over to Youtube and hunted down some videos of Adam Lambert. Curiosity, that was all it was. Tommy wanted to find out more about this man he was dreaming so much about and with whom he had an apparent loving relationship in his dreams. There were hundreds of interviews, but he skipped the Idol performances and chose ones that surrounded the release of his first album. 

He started off with a video of the AMA performance, because he remembered the dream kiss from this performance. He wondered if he was beginning to get things that happened in the dreams confused with things that actually happened, so he watched the video carefully. It was spooky how so much of it was the same, the dancers, Monte, LP, Lisa, the music, how Adam's voice wasn't really up to scratch that night. Even Adam pulling the head of the dancer into his crotch was the same, only Tommy wasn't there, it was some other guy, nondescript and with barely any camera time. And Tommy knew he had definitely not seen this before, not on the television, not a video later on and not on any highlight reel. He just didn't get why he was having dreams of these things. Not at all. 

He watched interviews next, remembered from the dreams the times when Lane had had to pull Adam out of their bed in order to get him there on time; times when he'd had to spend ages in make-up to cover love bites all over his neck. Love bites that Tommy had put there during nights filled with passion. 

After a flood of dream memories, Tommy's head began to ache. Everything was so goddamned surreal. This was not his life and he didn't even know Adam, let alone anything else. Tommy hunted around for performance videos from the tour, wanting to know, no, needing to know if any of the others from his dreams were real people. When he opened a video of Fever, there they all were. Sasha. Brooke, Terrance and Taylor. 

'Fucking hell,' he breathed. Now shit was really getting freaky. He knew these people – from his dreams – knew that Taylor had a girlfriend that he thought was cheating on him, knew Sasha's girlfriend lived in England, knew Brooke missed her fiancé and knew Terrance was one of Adam's best friends. 

He told himself they were dreams, just dreams. They couldn’t hurt him or change his life or make him do things he wouldn't normally do, they were just dreams. 

Then he logged into twitter and flicked through his feed. He wondered if he was secretly hoping Adam had tweeted something. Maybe he had, maybe it would be something really douchey so Tommy could write him off and forget all about those dreams. 

_adamlambert  
@adamlambert: Sometimes you just gotta have a little faith, right?_

Tommy slammed down the screen of his laptop as his blood ran cold. He'd said almost the exact same thing to his mother! It was surely a coincidence but fucking hell what a coincidence. 

What the fuck was going on?


	4. 4

Chapter 4. 

_Finally free after the show, Adam headed to his bus, hoping to find Tommy there. He'd found it almost impossible to drag himself outside and sign autographs and chat with fans, but he'd done it, knowing the sooner he got it over with the sooner he'd be able to see Tommy. Some of the fans had probably thought he was spaced out on something because his attention was elsewhere but he really couldn't care. There were the usual questions about whether or not he and Tommy were a couple. He'd just laughed them off and said 'I wish' as usual. It wasn't as if they'd intended to hide anything, it'd just happened that way. And they'd both agreed that speculation was half the fun for the fans and generated more interest, so they'd left the questions unanswered. Besides, their private lives were just that. Private._

_Sasha was sitting on the sofa when he stepped on the bus, Tommy beside her, smiling smugly. Adam breathed a sigh of relief that Tommy was smiling. Whatever his family problem was, Sasha had been able to help him forget for a while. He really loved that almost everyone on tour had become like family and were always willing to take care of each other._

_'Hey,' he said smiling at Tommy. The smile only lasted until Tommy turned and looked at Adam and then he could easily see the hurt in his eyes. Sasha stood and kissed Tommy on the forehead, saying, 'You know where I am if you need me,' before she moved to the door. 'You'll have this bus to yourselves tonight. Everyone will stay on another bus,' she whispered to Adam, giving him a hug as she left._

_The door had barely closed behind Sasha when Tommy jumped up and ran into Adam's arms, burying his head under Adam's chin and clinging to him like a vine._

_'It's ok, baby,' Adam murmured, wrapping his arms around him and holding on tight. He could feel Tommy trembling and he hugged the slight body closer to him, trying to give him whatever strength he needed. He didn't ask any questions; when Tommy was ready to talk he would. The best he could do was to whisper endearments, kiss his forehead and hang on to him._

_After several minutes, Tommy took a deep breath and pulled back to look up at Adam. His eyes were red-rimmed like he'd been crying, but Adam knew he hadn’t been, just trying not to let the tears go._

_Adam gently ran his thumb over Tommy's cheekbone, cupping his face, and Tommy closed his eyes again and leaned into his hand. It was hard not to see how on edge Tommy was, even through his stage makeup. The glitter still sparkling on his face couldn’t hide his pain._

_'I was so proud of you tonight,' Adam whispered._

_Tommy gave him a weak smile. 'I nearly lost it in Aftermath. Lucky I wasn't on stage for that one.'_

_'Well, on stage you were my perfect glitterbaby,' Adam said, deliberately using the nickname to provoke a reaction._

_Tommy didn't disappoint and rolled his eyes, giving Adam a swat on his backside. 'You use that stupid nickname at the most inappropriate times,' he complained._

_'But that's what you are,' Adam said, smiling as he trailed fingers over the glitter scattered over Tommy's temple._

_'Whatever, baby boy,' Tommy retorted, a more honest smile on his face now._

_'C'mon, let's get a bit more comfortable.' Adam moved them to the sofa, stretching out on it; Tommy snuggled close to his side, half wrapped around him._

_Adam still needed or wanted to know what had upset Tommy so much, but he knew that pushing Tommy to tell would only make him defensive. Instead, he satisfied himself with running his fingers through Tommy's hair and occasionally stroking his shoulder and kissing the top of Tommy's head as it lay resting on his chest._

_After several long minutes of a comfortable silence, Adam felt Tommy's shoulder shaking and heard the hitched breathing that indicated tears, finally._

_The bus driver stuck his head in and asked if they were ready to go. Adam nodded and thanked him. Then it was quiet again, only the faint rumble of the bus to cover the muffled sound of Tommy's tears._

_Adam let him cry, merely held him tighter and waited._

_Eventually the tears stopped, Tommy sniffing loudly and half sitting up to furiously scrub at his face._

_'Sorry,' he said, voice still full of tears._

_'Don’t be. You obviously needed that.' Tommy's eyes were puffy and red and his makeup was running, and Adam thought he looked so stunningly fragile. He knew Tommy was anything but fragile and he appreciated how privileged he was that Tommy felt comfortable enough to let Adam see him at his most vulnerable._

_Tommy sighed heavily and dropped his head back onto Adam's chest. Adam's arm curled around him tighter._

_'I guess you want to know what's wrong?'_

_'Whenever you feel able to talk about it, baby, we've got all night.'_

_Tommy didn't answer immediately, and Adam waited patiently. Finally, Tommy spoke._

_'My dad's cancer treatment isn't working anymore,' he said, sounding like he was rushing it out in case he changed his mind. 'They give him maybe three months.' Tommy's voice broke again on the last word._

_Adam's heart broke for Tommy and his family. 'Oh, Tommy, baby, I'm so sorry.' If Adam could have held him tighter, he would have. 'How's your mom? Do you need to go home?'_

_'She's…resigned, I think. I think they both are. Looking back I think they always knew this would happen.' Tommy's arm came across Adam's chest and he hung on. 'I will need to go home soon, just…' he sighed, 'we have a few days off after tomorrow's show. I'll go home then.'_

_'The last thing you need to worry about is the show. Your family is more important.'_

_'I know. I was hoping you'd come with me.'_

_'If you need me there, that's where I'll be.'_

_Tommy lifted his head and rested his chin on the back of his hand on Adam's chest. 'It's not so much that I need you there, I can cope, but I want you there. My family loves you, you're like their second son, but they don't know about us yet and I want them to know before…'_

_Adam brushed some of Tommy's hair away from his face and smiled. 'I'll be there for you, baby.'_

_'Good.' He smiled and snuggled back into Adam's chest._

_Adam reached over and picked up the remote for the cd player, clicking it on and lowering the volume. Jeff Buckley singing Hallelujah surrounded them and filled the air with the rich sound._

_'This was always one of dad's favourites,' Tommy said softly._

_'If it makes you too sad, I'll …'_

_Tommy shook his head. 'No, it's fine.' Adam's fingers found their way to Tommy's hair again, and kept up a soothing rhythm because Tommy loved having his hair played with._

_'He was the one who first got me interested in music. He loved all the greats.' Tommy huffed. 'Even Johnny Cash. He said that anyone that worked that hard deserved to be successful.' He sniffed and rubbed his nose again. 'But deep down he was an old romantic who liked the man because he finally won his childhood sweetheart.'_

_'He met your mom when he was still at school, didn't he? Perhaps he saw parallels.' Adam smiled and kissed Tommy's head._

_'Love at first sight, he used to say. He just knew she was the one.' Tommy looked up at Adam. 'Just like I know you're my one.'_

_Adam let his finger slide along Tommy's cheek to his lips, smiling. 'We both did.'_

_Tommy kissed Adam's finger then rested his head on Adam's chest again and was silent for a while. Had it not been for his concern for Tommy and his family, Adam would feel perfectly content lying quietly with Tommy, peaceful music playing softly in the background._

_'Not sure how mom's going to cope without him,' Tommy said. 'Dad was always the head of the family, you know? The one who made the decisions and organised everything. Mom looked after the home.'_

_'She has a lot of family, she won't be alone, baby.'_

_'She shouldn't have to be without him though. It's not fucking fair.' Tommy's voice became firmer, anger showing through._

_'No, it's not.'_

_'I fucking get, like dying of old age and shit, that's the natural …thing but this…shit…the treatment was supposed to work, dammit!'_

_All Adam could do was hold Tommy as close as he could, letting him rage if he needed to until some of the anger dissipated._

_'You still have time with him, baby,' Adam said after a while._

_'You'll take me home?'_

_'Yes, of course. I'll be wherever you are.' Adam felt the tension leaving Tommy slowly, until he relaxed under Adam's soothing touch and the quiet lilting tones of the music._

_Tommy leaned up and kissed Adam on the lips. 'Thank you.'_

_Whatever you need, baby, Adam told himself as they snuggled up together on the sofa. Eventually, Adam heard Tommy's breathing even out, indicating he was asleep. Sighing sadly, he turned the volume down even further on the music and settled himself in for a long night._

 

~~~

 

When Tommy woke he was momentarily surprised to find himself in his own bed instead of on the tour bus with Adam; the dream had been that intense. He was shocked to find himself wrapped around one of his pillows though, hanging on to it as if it were a lifeline. The tears, though, those he expected. 'Fuck, this is getting ridiculous,' he said, tossing the pillow aside and covering his face with his hands. 

He didn't think he'd ever been comforted like he had been in his dream. He'd had to be the one providing comfort when his father died. His dream self was right; his mom had taken a long time to come to terms with living without her husband. Tommy hadn't been the only one to help. Lisa had, as well as the aunts and uncles and the rest of the family. But no one had stopped to let Tommy grieve. 

There was still no explanation for why he was having these dreams, and when he thought too hard about them, they just made his head spin. It wasn't fair that they seemed to be able to bring forward all these emotions about his dad's death; issues he'd had at the time he'd never fully dealt with. It wasn't fair that the dreams were showing him getting the love and support he'd missed when his dad died.

Wiping his eyes, he berated himself for the flash of self-pity. His life wasn't a dream, he didn’t have that same level of unconditional love; that one person that was just there for him. He should just grow up and take it like a man. 

Oh, but he could still feel Adam's strong arms around him, holding him, keeping him safe, and ensuring he had whatever he needed. As he got up and walked to the shower, Tommy realised he missed it. Which was ridiculous. How could you miss something you never had and someone you never wanted? 

Standing in the shower, letting the hot water wash down over his body and ease the night's sleep away, he found himself humming the song from the dream. Jeff Buckley had always been a favourite of his and the Hallelujah tune, haunting. Surprised, he found himself smiling with it, and a sense of peace expanded from his chest out to his whole body. He thought he might make it through the day now. Even a long day at the call centre and another visit to the hospital to see Lisa and Evelyn wasn't going to get him down. 

He switched on the lap top and let it power up while he dressed for work. Once it was up and running, he checked his twitter account, feeling the need for some sort of connection to Adam, which was really bizarre as Adam had no idea who he was and even if he did, he wouldn't care. But these dreams were strange enough as it was and this dream connection he had was influencing his feelings toward the man. For a start there were considerably more of them. He hoped he wasn't becoming one of those crazy stalkers convinced they were having a relationship with him. That was not likely to happen, as Tommy wasn't even attracted to men, although this dream seemed to indicate that Adam might be an exception to the rule. 

And damn, that couldn't happen; he had Beth. Guiltily, he called her number, realising it was still early but knowing she'd be up and getting ready for work anyway. 

'Hey honey,' he said when she answered. 

'Tommy? How's Lisa and the baby?' Tommy could hear Beth yawning. 

'I haven’t checked yet today, but they would have called me if anything had changed.'

'That's good. What are you calling for?'

'I need an excuse to call you?'

Beth chuckled. 'I guess not. Hey, don’t forget we have dinner at my folks' place on Thursday. You promised to help Dad with the awnings.'

Tommy sighed; he had forgotten. 'I'm not sure…'

'Don’t start this, you promised,' Beth warned. 'He's been waiting weeks.'

'I was going to say,' Tommy said, rubbing his temple, 'that I'm not sure how things will go with the baby. I know I promised, but if my family needs me then that takes priority.'

'Of course, yes it does,' Beth replied. 'I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking.'

'It's all right, don’t worry. Hey, how about we meet up after work and we'll have a meal somewhere? I'm not working the bar tonight.'

'That'd be nice,' she replied. 

'Then you could come to the hospital with me afterwards.'

'Sure.'

'Santa Monica pier?'

'Sounds good. See you there about 6?'

'It's a date,' Tommy said, smiling. 

They said goodbye and Tommy began scrolling through his twitter account. 

_@adamlambert_

_@adamlambert: Horoscope tells me the universe is going to 'put my soulmate in my path today'. So, c'mon, where are you? Haha_

 

Tommy laughed, and if a small part of him wanted to find out where Adam was going to be today and just happen to be there, he ignored it as the ravings of a lunatic stalker.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5.

 

Adam wondered if the pressure of making the second album was driving him mad by sending him these dreams. They were freaking him out a little; not since his first visit to Burning Man had he felt so out of control. And Burning Man had been mind blowing, a life altering experience – what he could remember of it. This was a different version of having his mind blown though. His nature was to be at one with the universe and not question fate or things that there was no logical explanation for, but these dreams were beginning to feel like he'd entered an alternate universe. Not an alternate universe where he was a radically different person, or where the world was like some space-age fantasy; no, this world was the recent past and felt like what should have been his life. These dreams were full and complete, not like normal dreams where he was flung cold into weird situations. In these dreams he had a whole lifetime of knowledge behind him. Somehow, he'd created the perfect dream, only he kept on living it every time he slept.

He wished again that he was dreaming of happier things, but he suspected that his tendency to nurture everyone in his life meant that he had his fair share of being the comforter. His dream Tommy certainly needed it and he'd be lying if he said he resented being the one who could help. Still, his dream Tommy was just that – a dream. 

As he checked his horoscope for the day – a cherished ritual he would never give up, he happened to glance at the scope for Libra and smiled. Tommy was a Libra. A more perfect sign for him he couldn't wish for – yet another reason there was no way Tommy could exist in real life.

His own horoscope made him laugh, albeit wistfully. Soulmate? Someone just like his dream Tommy? He could only hope. It made him smile and he tweeted it out to the world. Come and find me, he dared the universe. 

The last thing he did before heading out to a fashion shoot with Lee was to text Sutan. He definitely needed someone to talk to about these dreams. 

_Dinner tonight?_

_Sure, when and where? Have to work @ 10 so early._

_Mariasol's on SM pier @ 6?_

_You hormonal? You never eat Mexican unless you need comfort food._

_Hah. Very funny. Tell you about it later._

_OK, I'll be there, babe. You're paying._

_Bitch I always pay._

_You're the one with the money. ;p_

 

~~~

 

Crowds of people made Tommy's walk to the entrance of the amusement park on Santa Monica Pier a slower one than he expected. There were people everywhere. The weather was so nice that it seemed like the whole of LA was taking advantage of it and spending time relaxing here after work, same as he was. He usually hated masses of people around him, but today had been a good day all things considered. Lisa and the baby were coming along fine – he'd checked several times during the day – the guys had left him to his own devices at the call centre today, and he was meeting Beth. 

He spotted her at the entrance to the park, looking anxiously around for him. He waved to her when she caught sight of him, and he dodged past several families before reaching her and giving her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. 

'Hey, honey,' he said, smiling. 

She smiled back. 'You're late,' she said, but there was no admonition in her eyes. 

'A few minutes,' he replied, taking her hand. 'Thought we might see the Aquarium today. We haven't been there in a while.'

'Sure,' Beth replied. 'How was your day?'

'Not bad, really. Yours?' They walked through the entrance, heading towards the carousel and the Aquarium underneath it. 

'I was so glad to get out of the store today. Janis messed up Mrs. VanRoss' perm and all hell broke loose.'

Tommy groaned inwardly, preparing for another long story about the woeful staff at the hairdresser's salon Beth worked in. However, Beth surprised him by asking about his sister and the baby and they chatted about that until they entered the Aquarium. 

Tommy liked coming here, because it was generally quieter than the noisy park outside with its rides and games. Watching fish swim around was supposed to be calming and, as Beth dragged him off to a new exhibit, he relaxed. 

Several moments passed in silence as they marveled at the new creature, until a family with small children arrived. The little boy needed to be lifted by his dad but the little girl was big enough to see into the tank without assistance. Tommy loved kids – other people's kids. One day he'd like some of his own, though. One day. 

Beth smiled at the family and linked her arm through Tommy's and leaned into him. He patted her arm and they moved on to another section. As long as she didn’t raise the subject of marriage and kids today, Tommy would let it be. His day had been too good to leave a bad mark on it an argument would cause. 

There was another young couple not far away that sounded like they were fighting over something. Tommy couldn't hear what they were saying as they were speaking softly, but their tone and body language gave them away. He looked away from them and at Beth instead, smiling at the happy expression on her face. He was glad that they rarely argued; a relationship fraught with the tension of conflict was something he couldn't endure. Wouldn't put up with. One of his friends had been in a relationship like that and it ended in a grotty sleazy bar with too much to drink, where punches were thrown, the police called and a night was spent locked up in a dark jail cell. That was definitely not Tommy's style. 

'You're looking lovely today,' he said, a sudden rush of fondness overcoming him. 

She smiled at him. 'No need for flattery. I think you're a sure thing later.' She winked at him and went back to checking out the exhibit. 

He grinned. Sex was probably just what he needed to banish the dreams and the uncomfortable curiosity about sex with a man that was creeping into his thoughts more often than was right. 

'We should go on a holiday,' he said. 'When Evelyn comes home from the hospital, we should go somewhere nice.'

Beth slipped an arm around his waist and hugged him, smiling up at him, her pretty green eyes twinkling. 'Where would you like to go?' she asked. 

'You decide,' he replied, shrugging. 'As long as it's out of LA I don't care where it is.' 

'We could fly to London.'

Tommy laughed. 'If I had the money for that, I wouldn't be working two jobs. Somewhere closer to home.'

Beth pouted. 'Well, you decide then. I've always wanted to go to London.'

'It's not that great,' Tommy mumbled, filled with memories of being there on Adam's first tour promo. 

'How do you know? You've never been there.' Beth nudged at his side. 

'I…' Tommy stopped and frowned. Of course he hadn't been there! What was he thinking? 'I've seen pictures.' 

'Oh, pictures never do a place justice,' Beth said. 'It's the atmosphere and the people.'

'Well, you're going to have to settle for somewhere like Vegas.'

Beth looked at him for a moment and then smirked at him. 'You want a quickie wedding in Vegas? We could get married and come back and hold a big party. Not tell anyone until then.'

'What? No!' Tommy exclaimed, fearing his happy day had just disappeared under the front of a moving bus.

'God you, stop looking like you're about to pass out. I was only joking.'

Tommy breathed out and sighed in relief. 'Oh. Good.' 

'No, I'm not giving up my white wedding for anyone,' she said. 

'Right,' he said softly. 

'So we'll go somewhere else. How about Mexico?' 

They walked around the Aquarium, continuing to chat and laugh with each other. Tommy hadn't been this comfortable around Beth in a long time. His positive frame of mind was reminding him of all the things he'd liked about her in the first place. And if a small voice in his subconscious tried to tell him that he was only in such a great mood because of the way he'd been cared for and loved in his dream, he refused to believe it. Dreams couldn't do that. 

'I would kill for some food,' Tommy said. 'You ready to go?'

'Hmm,' Beth replied, snuggling into his side as they headed for the exit. 

'Burgers or Mexican?' Tommy asked. He looked at his watch. 'Damn, better make it burgers if we want to get to the hospital during visiting hours.'

'Burgers it is then,' she smiled back. 'Though I'm going to have to do an extra workout tomorrow.' 

'Don't worry, I'll give you a good workout later.' They both laughed. 

There were more people around now, especially near the entrance to the park. He hung on tighter to Beth, not wanting to lose her as they dodged and squeezed past the crowds. Eventually he had to let go of her and hold her hand instead so they could get through single file. 

He'd just turned around to make sure she was all right, when a large body crashed into him with such force it knocked his him completely off-balance. Despite trying and failing to grab hold of something he went down hard, hitting the ground flat on his ass. 

'Stupid morons!' Beth yelled. 'Watch where you're going,' she called after them over the crowd before turning to Tommy and dropping to her knees beside him. 

'You hurt?'

Tommy was more shocked than anything else. He shook his head. 'I'm fine.' 

'Idiots,' Beth muttered. 

 

~~~

 

Adam pulled his cap further down over his face as he walked as fast yet as casually as he could along the pier to meet with Sutan. There were more people here than he'd expected. The restaurant was popular and there were always people around the amusement park, but this was ridiculous. He wondered if there was some special function on, a festival or something. Crowds didn’t worry him, he was used to them, but he'd hate to be recognised and for there to be some less than respectful fans in this crowd. He'd be trapped and might have to make a run for it off the side of the pier. 

The thought made him chuckle. He could just imagine himself flailing as he dropped from the top of the pier to the water below. And knowing his luck there'd be paps around that just happened to be there and capture his embarrassment. 

A loud voice rang out over to his left and Adam reflexively turned to it. 

'Stupid morons!' a woman yelled. 'Watch where you're going!' 

He caught a glimpse of a pretty girl angrily calling out over the crowd, before she ducked out of sight. Perhaps someone had been knocked down? For a second he wondered if he should go over and help, but then he remembered his wish not to be recognised so he quickly put his head down again and kept walking, anxious to get past the mass of people and into the relative quiet of the restaurant. Besides there were lots of other people around that would help; he didn’t always have to be the one to do something.

Sutan was waiting for him when he arrived and they hugged tightly. 

'You're looking decidedly dressed down today,' Sutan said, giving him the quick once over. Adam rolled his eyes; he was wearing ordinary jeans and a t-shirt.

'Hello to you, too. I see you've started already,' he said, seeing the open bottle of wine and a half eaten plate of nachos on the table. 

'Told you I had to work tonight. I was hungry and you're late.' Sutan sat back down and poured Adam a glass of wine. Adam sat and called the waiter over and ordered another plate of nachos. 

'So what's the occasion? You find another straight boy to fall for, then?' 

There was a light teasing tone in Sutan's voice. Adam hated anyone teasing him about his crush on Kris from Idol. Sutan only got away with it because, well, he wouldn’t be Sutan if he didn't give Adam shit about all the stupid things he'd done in his life. 

'Hardly,' he said. He picked up his wine and went on to tell Sutan all about the dreams he'd been having. No point delaying; Sutan didn't have that much time. 

One thing above all else that he appreciated about Sutan was that he listened, really listened when Adam spoke about something serious. It was no different this time, and as Adam spoke, he watched Sutan pick at his nachos, but the faint frown on his brow showed he was paying attention. 

'So, I don’t know what to do now,' Adam said. 'It's like this fictional Tommy Joe has made this little niche in my subconscious and won’t go away. I was shooting with Lee today and he was making me try on all this designer gear and I actually picked up a black leather jacket and thought "Tommy Joe would look sexy as fuck in this." I just don’t get why it's all so real and why the intensity of the dreams hasn't faded like normal dreams do.' 

Sutan raised one eyebrow. 'So, a bit more serious than a little crush on a straight boy?'

'Fuck-'

'Sorry,' Sutan interrupted, looking serious. 'I don't have any answers for you, Ad,' he said. 'They sound like normal dreams, just …more. Aren’t dreams supposed to be the mind's way of telling you something in a way that's palatable?'

Adam nodded. 'Even I can interpret the content. I know what my life is missing; the problem is that what I want is him. Tommy. Not anyone else, not a faceless, nameless someone that I've not met yet.'

'Okay, now that's weird. The guy doesn’t exist, does he?'

'No!' Adam said frustrated. 'And that's what's worrying me. I feel really attached, like soulmate attached, and that's not good right?'

'Hey, listen,' Sutan said, reaching over the table to grab Adam's hand. 'You're always saying the universe works in mysterious ways. Maybe this guy is real. Maybe you're having these dreams because you're supposed to find him.' 

Adam rolled his eyes. 'Even I don’t believe the universe works like that.'

'Have you thought of trying to find out if he's real?'

'No, knowing my luck he'll be a fat, balding forty year old.' Adam laughed at himself. Surely he was being ridiculous about all this? 

Sutan snorted. 'And straight.'

'Oh my god, stop it with the straight boy talk,' Adam groaned. 

'Seriously, though, these dreams aren’t nightmares, they sound like you're happy in them, Ad, and you haven't been happy like that in a long time, not since Brad. So what if he's not real, the feelings you have while you’re dreaming of him feel real, don’t they? Think of them as a really satisfying wank dream and enjoy the fantasy.'

'Just go with the flow?'

'Sure, why not? If you were being tortured or something I'd suggest you go see someone to stop them, but these dreams feel like a good thing.'

Adam nodded and Sutan returned to finishing off his nachos, Adam merely picking at his own. He couldn't help but think that Tommy would love this place. Damn, and just thinking about Tommy made him want to go home and sleep so he could dream again. 

 

~~~~

 

When Tommy arrived home late after his hospital visit and some very energetic sex with Beth, he had a smile on his face that felt like it had been there all day. Some minor trepidation about sleeping and dreaming was ignored and instead he readied himself for bed, humming a tune. He realised he'd been doing a lot of humming during the day, but he didn't mind, not one bit. Being happy and humming was for sure a hell of a lot better than being worried and anxious. 

The dreams were weird but he couldn’t deny feeling the benefit of them. He wondered if the real Adam had met his soulmate today. His twitter feed flicked by as he lay on his bed checking it before sleep. He barely felt a hint of alarm when he saw Adam had tweeted. 

_@adamlambert  
@adamlambert Well, no go on meeting the soulmate but I did have a rather nice dinner with @sutanamrull at Mariasol Concita's on SM pier tonight._

Of course he was there. Tommy laughed. This had gone beyond weird now and moved into the realms of bizarre.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6.

 

_Tommy wasn't sure what woke him but when he opened his eyes it was nearing morning, as the light had bathed the room in muted colours. He snuggled back against Adam's warm body and yawned contentedly. There had never been a time in his life when he'd slept so well, so regularly, and woke up so eager to start another day, as he had been over the past year. Sleeping beside Adam for most of that time obviously was healthy for him. He smiled; Adam was healthy for him in more ways than one. The sex was always incredible with Adam and he always functioned better with regular sex. Not that he was with Adam just for the sex. The man was too big for that. Big heart, big personality, big presence, big voice, big…Tommy chuckled softly and went there… big dick. Godamned fucking big dick._

_He sleepily kissed the warm skin under his cheek and pulled back a little to look at it. Big freckles, he snickered to himself. One hand slid up Adam's side and over the much loved skin that had been kissed by freckles in every place imaginable. Adam hated them, tried to cover the ones on his face as much as possible, but Tommy loved them. How could he not? They were a part of this man that he loved with everything he had._

_'You're just one big freckle, aren’t you?' he whispered fondly, leaning in to kiss Adam's stomach. 'My big freckle.' He smiled and chased each one with his lips all the way down Adam's stomach, over the softness that Adam also hated and tried to exercise away at every chance._

_Adam mumbled something unintelligible, moving and stretching under Tommy's lips, but not waking._

_'Shh,' Tommy soothed. It wasn't often that he got the chance to just spend time studying Adam while he was asleep. Their days were so busy and at night after the show, when they did have time, they either crashed into bed, or they crashed into each other, passion trumping tenderness easily. This was a rare pleasure and Tommy wanted to take advantage of it._

_Moving slowly so he didn't wake Adam, Tommy shifted down the bed and rose to his knees, pushing the covers aside. In this dim light, Adam's body was dark. Tommy could still make out every single feature, but they were softened, like seeing him through a veil. Tommy's hands splayed across Adam's chest looked black, and he smiled, flicking one of Adam's nipples with his little finger, watching enraptured as it crinkled and rose in a hard nub under his nail._

_Already, Tommy's body was reacting; the steady hum of pleasure mingling with a heady sense of power. Adam's skin was silky and warm to the touch, and so relaxed, not a hint of tension in muscles that during the day were active and busy. Tommy loved Adam like this; malleable and sweet. Of course he loved Adam all the time, but this tranquil space was special._

_Tommy dragged his hand down and over Adam's hip, the slight dip into the crease of his leg oddly free from freckles, highlighted in the dim light. Tommy leaned forward and pressed his lips to the soft skin, holding them there, breathing the musky scent that was so very male and familiar, until he felt the steady throb of Adam's pulse push against them._

_Adam shifted slightly in his sleep and Tommy's nose brushed against Adam's soft dick. Tommy held his breath, not wanting Adam to wake just yet, but Adam didn’t move again. He exhaled, allowing himself to nuzzle into Adam's pubic hair. He knew this dick better than he knew his own, really, and he knew that once he dragged his tongue along the length, it would begin to fill with blood. Once he wrapped his lips around the head, Tommy knew that Adam would groan and be hard enough to fuck him through the mattress in seconds. Even the thought made him shiver with need and he closed his eyes and nudged Adam's cock with his nose._

_Sight denied, Tommy felt surrounded by Adam's smell, and the scratchy feel of hair across his cheek, and satin smooth skin under his fingertips. Along with the sensory experience came the emotional pulse of 'mine' and 'home' and 'fuck I want him right now' and his dick ached in response. He couldn't help himself, he needed to lick the length of Adam's cock, and he chased it with his tongue as it grew slowly with each pass. Christ, he'd be lucky if he lasted until Adam woke at this rate. His body was singing with need._

_Adam needed to be awake right the fuck now. Tommy groaned as he lifted Adam's cock and slid his lips over the head, pressing his tongue into the slit, mouth watering at the salty tang. No one had ever tasted quite this good. Heartbeat throbbing loudly in his ears, he was barely aware of Adam moaning and grabbing his head, tangling his fingers in Tommy's hair and holding him still while he thrust up into Tommy's mouth._

_Tommy's choked gasp gave way to a strangled moan; his dick throbbed and his hands didn’t know what to do with themselves. He ended up grabbing Adam's thigh with one and his own dick with the other._

_'Mine. Leave it the fuck alone,' Adam growled, making Tommy whine as he forced himself to stop stroking his cock. Tommy pulled back, despite Adam trying to keep him where he was. While he adored sucking Adam's cock until he came, that wasn't what he wanted this time. He straddled Adam's thighs and leant in, kissing him hard as he rolled his hips forward so their dicks rubbed against each other. Tommy was long past caring what sounds came out of his mouth but even his toes felt the moan when they finally made contact, all hot and sweet and tacky from the half dried saliva Tommy'd left behind._

_Adam's arms came up and grabbed Tommy's ass, pulling him in and grinding against him. Predictably, Tommy's knees gave out and he dropped all his weight on Adam, their lips still joined though barely doing more than touching and breathing each other's air._

_He tried bracing himself on his arms so he could get one hand in between them and around both their cocks, but they were shaky, his hips rocking hard against Adam. 'Fuck, Adam,' Tommy panted. 'Get your hand on me…fuck, please?'_

_'Christ…' Adam's hand felt so good on him, his fucking big hands wrapped around both of them, so tight, so fucking good, so fucking sure… Tommy groaned and his rhythm faltered, desperate for more._

_'Fuck, fuck fuck…' Tommy had time to notice that there was enough light now to see Adam's striking blue eyes, before he gave a hoarse groan and came._

 

~~~~

 

Tommy gasped and sat straight up, breathing heavily, and oh so fucking hard he was aching. 'Fuck no,' he whispered roughly, eyeing the bulge between his legs that was crying out for attention. He was not, definitely not going to wank to thoughts of Adam fucking Lambert. He was not gay; he did not get turned on by men, for fuck's sake! 

Except that apparently he did, was in fact hard and really needing to come. Maybe just this once… No, his head argued with his dick, not fucking happening! His head won. For now. Tommy dropped back onto his pillow, still breathing heavily, trying so hard to ignore his erection it was painful. Why was this happening to him? He should have known that sooner or later he was going to wake up in this state. His dream self had so many memories of them having sex, only it had always been in his dream self's memories. Tommy had never had to actually dream it before though, until now. 

Christ, it had been good. His body cried out again with the memory of the feel of Adam under his hands, lips, and body. Tommy almost sobbed with the effort needed to stop himself from just grabbing his dick and going for it. He could wank and get it over with and NOT think about Adam, couldn’t he? Fuck…

Then that last glimpse of dream Adam's startling blue eyes in the dim light came to mind and the want hit him right in the gut. Tommy gave in and reached for himself, stroking quickly, taking barely a half dozen strokes before he cried out and came hard. 

After he'd cleaned up the mess, he flopped back on his bed. What the fuck had his life come to? The dreams were just dreams, he knew that, but an insistent little voice in the back of his head kept telling him that he liked his dream self better. He seemed more himself in these dreams, more open, more friendly, more content, more… just more. His real life wasn't bad, boring job and family worries aside. With a guilty start he remembered he also had Beth. These dreams of a whole other life with someone else made him feel like he was cheating on her. Perhaps subconsciously he was…especially since the dream sex had overflowed into his real life and he was wanking over someone else. 

And that just wasn't fair; he wanted to do the right thing by Beth. She was a nice girl and he liked her a lot. She didn't deserve a boyfriend who thought of someone else when they had sex, or rather, thought of someone else when they were wanking. 

Damn it, it was just sex, right, just dreams and an accident of timing and no big deal. Tommy tried to rationalize his reaction with as little fuss as possible and vowed to stop dreaming. If he didn't sleep then he couldn't dream, right?

 

~~~~

 

Tommy's resolve lasted two days, when he dropped asleep out of exhaustion in his cubicle at the call centre. His boss sent him home telling him he looked like death warmed up, told him not to come back until he'd gotten himself clean and off whatever chemical substances he was taking. No amount of protesting that he never touched drugs made a difference, so Tommy headed home in the middle of the afternoon and fell asleep on the couch. 

Funnily enough, he dreamt, but Adam wasn't in his dream. 

Tommy took a few days off work, forcing himself not to sleep during the night after discovering on the second day he fell asleep in the afternoon, that Adam didn’t seem to make an appearance in his dreams when he slept during the day. He became tired and cranky around his friends due to the disturbed sleeping pattern, but at least he wasn't dreaming of Adam Lambert any more. His life in the dreams was still awesome. The dreams jumped forward quite a lot at times – they now seemed to be traveling through Asia, New Zealand and Australia, taking the Glamnation show worldwide. 

His dream self still had memories of all the shows and all the time he and Adam had spent together, and memories of how amazing Adam had been when his father finally died, but at least Adam wasn't present in his dreams. They were really like small-snap shots of things like meal times with the band while Adam was off doing an interview or something. Playing cards and drinking on the plane while flying overseas, sound check, arguing with Neil or Lane or someone about pushing Adam too hard, Sutan doing his make-up before a show. They all had one thing in common, though; in them he was the happiest he'd ever been.

Being a bit tired and cranky was a small price to pay, at least that's what he told himself. What he refused to admit was that he was missing Adam from his dreams, missing a man he didn’t know, had never met, and certainly didn't love. 

Then Tommy scored a gig with one of the local bands that played at several clubs, including Iced, on a regular basis. They were looking for a guitarist to replace one that had stolen from them and disappeared. Tommy was ecstatic, as it meant he could chuck his job at the call centre and play music for a living. He kept his job at Iced, just in case, but the best part about working nights at clubs was that his sleep pattern could change permanently so that he could sleep through the day, go and see baby Evelyn in the hospital late in the afternoon, and then head out to play music at night. Beth missed out on a lot, but then he still felt guilty and like a cheat when he thought of her, so he ignored her hurt silences as best he could and tried to remember to ask her to come to the shows now and then. He wasn't always successful at that. 

Even though his sleep patterns were shot to hell, he was still actually sleeping, so after a couple of weeks he felt good again, felt in control and on top of the world. His life was in a good place. 

He should have known it was too good to last.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Err...sorry for the angst in this chapter. I have to warn for character death here because the death of a child might be triggering to some and I am so so sorry for that if it is. :( I'll upload chapter 8 immediately so it's easier to move on. Love. <3

Evelyn caught an infection and Tommy's world turned into a maelstrom of anxiety. 

He could barely listen to the doctors when they explained about premature babies being more susceptible to infection and how sometimes it took more strength than they had to fight it. The only other thing he remembered about that conversation was looking into his sister's eyes and seeing her heart break. Surely they'd all been through enough already? 

Tommy figured they'd all been lulled into a false sense of security because Evie had been doing so well. The doctors’ concern over how small she was had started to ease the longer she’d continued to battle. There had been a big fucking light at the end of the tunnel and he'd started to believe…

And all he’d been doing was freaking out over some stupid fucking dream that had no importance, no relevance to his life, and only distracted him from the people who actually meant something to him. Real people. Family. He could kick himself for being so damned self-centered. 

Tommy narrowed his eyes and gritted his teeth. Someone had to be an anchor for his family and, as had happened so many times in the past, the job fell to him. He wasn't resentful; they were his family and they meant everything to him. Him falling apart now, when Evie could just as easily throw off this infection as not, would serve no purpose. He didn't feel helpless, like he was flailing around with no idea of what to do or how to do anything, because there were things they could do, like make sure Evie was never alone, never without the sound of one of their voices. And she might not be able to feel skin on skin for a while yet, but they could still touch her through the gloves on the humidicrib. It was better than nothing and might make all the difference. 

Tommy organised his family into shifts sitting with Evie, and insisted Beth take a turn, too. For all intents and purposes she was part of the family, even though there was still residual guilt when he thought of her. Dreaming about having another … partner, lover, whatever, was still deceitful even if he had no control over it. He dropped his shifts at the bar, only keeping on with the band because he knew he'd need them. His mom, Lisa and Barry rallied and they all pushed away the worst of the overwhelming fear. 

Evie was so tiny. The way she was hooked up to all the machines and tubes made Tommy despair of her ever being well enough to go home with Lisa and Barry. She looked like a doll, and Tommy wondered if he'd be able to find a clear patch of skin to stroke. He was gowned and masked even though Evie was in the humidicrib, supposedly safe from germs. They were taking no chances with the frail baby fighting for her life. 

Tommy stood by watching her chest rising and falling rapidly with each breath she took. Every so often she would move and interrupt the rhythm. Tommy's breath caught each time she did, willing that her breathing would return to normal once she settled. It wasn't fair that someone so tiny should have to fight so hard just to stay alive. The universe had really cocked this one up, he thought. 

He pulled a chair closer and sat down, eyes almost level with Evie as she lay quietly. He wondered how she was feeling, how she would even be able to formulate thoughts without language. She would just know pain and hunger and warmth as feelings; everything came back to feelings. Life was one big fucking feeling. 

Sighing, he placed his hands through the portal and into the gloves so he could touch her and maybe make her feel less alone. He'd never been much good at talking, and talking to a baby that had no idea of what words were, let alone understand any meaning in them, was an even more difficult task. He permitted himself a wry grin; in his dreams he'd never had trouble talking to Adam. Adam was such a good, kind man, Tommy supposed that people just couldn't help but open up to him. 

If his dreams were real, he knew that Adam would be here, right by his side, never giving up, never giving in. For the first time in a long, long day, Tommy smiled. And then he smiled at Evie and began to tell her everything about all his dreams, about the one place in the whole world that felt like home.

 

~~~~

 

_'So, Paris is the city of lovers.' Adam could hear Sutan smiling down the phone line. 'What do you have planned for you and loverboy on your day off?'_

_Adam raised an eyebrow. 'None of your business.' He sighed and flopped down onto his bed. He was tired of hotel rooms and buses that smelled like old gym shoes one minute and a brothel the next._

_'Don’t tell me you're giving up pampering your boy in Paris? I can tell by your sigh that you're not happy. Tell Tranma what's going on. Trouble in paradise?'_

_'Nothing like that.' Adam snorted. 'Just whatever I would like to plan has too much risk of being seen together. Somehow we picked up a couple of rather over enthusiastic fans along the way that just happen to appear wherever we go.'_

_'Well, if you'd just be open about it, they might stop.'_

_'I know, I know.' And he really did. It wasn't really planned that they'd not tell anyone - but before they knew it, according to the fans, Tommy was straight and they were just friends. They just hadn't bothered to correct them. Yet. 'Though these fans, one in particular seems to want in Tommy's pants more than is healthy.' Adam chuckled. Yeah, not happening._

_'Well,' Sutan said, 'I don't blame her…I gather it's a "her". You got lucky there, Ad.'_

_Adam smiled; he knew he was the lucky one. Tommy was not perfect, but he was perfect for Adam. He could go off in a daze for hours just thinking about Tommy. 'I know it,' he replied softly. 'The last few weeks I've felt a distance, though, and I'm sure it's just getting near the end of a long tour and being crammed in buses again after the relative comfort of hotel rooms in Asia, but I worry he's slipping away from me.'_

_Sutan laughed. 'You're kidding, right? That boy is so in love with you, you'd have to slap him across the face and tell him to get out of your life before he'd even consider leaving you. And even then he'll likely kick your ass until you change your mind.'_

_'Shut up, you,' Adam said affectionately, feeling slightly ridiculous. Sutan was right; Tommy wasn't about to leave him._

_'You're just missing the sex.'_

_'Maybe…no, not really…okay well yes, but that's not it entirely,' Adam protested, moving his phone to his other ear and rolling over onto his stomach. 'Missing his company. So much other stuff to do. Not bitching, I love all of it, but Tommy is so understanding and doesn't complain at all, that I can’t believe he's really all right with all of this and with how little time we actually get to spend together.'_

_'He loves you, moron,' Sutan insisted. 'His life completely changed the minute you walked into it. You plucked him from suburban Burbank, thrust him into a life under the spotlight doing something he's always dreamed of with the man he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Give him space to breathe, Ad.'_

_'Ha! Now I know why you're my friend. You never let me wallow in shit too long.' Adam did feel better now he'd been reassured by Sutan. Tommy always appeared to need so little from Adam that sometimes he wondered if Tommy needed him at all. But then he remembered times he'd had to be there to pick up the pieces when Tommy's world was shattered due to his father's death. He remembered the times when Tommy had needed fun and sex and love, too. He'd looked to Adam for all of that._

_'What kind of friend would I be if I didn't give it to you straight?'_

_'You can't do anything straight.' Adam laughed._

_'Not even straight boys.' Sutan laughed with him. 'I leave that one to the mysterious powers of your miracle dick.'_

_'Holy shit, I have a miracle dick now?'_

_'According to the fans, it must be. They see you playing with your pretty Tommy on stage and some of them insist that you're together because your dick has super powers.' Sutan was laughing so hard he had trouble getting the whole sentence out._

_'Remind me never to go near any fan forum. Ever,' he said, slightly revolted._

_'It's kinda sweet, really,' Sutan said when his laughter had subsided. 'But it does go to show that the two of you can’t keep how you feel off your faces, even when you're supposed to be acting.'_

_'Curse this love,' Adam grouched playfully. 'They're lucky I don't slip my hand down the front of his pants on stage.'_

_'Oh I'm sure he'd just love that,' Sutan said sharply. 'Don’t feel him up just for a show, Ad.'_

_'I was kidding, Jesus,' Adam shot back._

_'All right, all right. I know you wouldn't treat him like that.'_

_There was silence for a moment._

_'That still doesn't solve your problem of what you're doing on your day off,' Sutan said. 'Make some sort of grand gesture. Book out a whole restaurant or something.'_

_'Think I want something totally private, no waiters hanging over us, no maitre d’ hovering to make sure we have everything we need. Y'know?'_

_'Yeah, I get it. How about sneaking up to the top of the Eiffel tower after they close?'_

_'And end up in a French jail somewhere? I think not. Jail's not my thing. I guess it will have to be a quiet night in the hotel room. There's privacy here at least.'_

_'Wait a minute. Darling, with all your money I'm sure you could afford to grease a few palms and get some alone time up there. Most romantic view in the world at night, they say.'_

_It was tempting, very tempting, Adam thought._

_'You want to show him how special he is? This will do it.'_

_Adam laughed. 'He's afraid of heights, Sutan. I'd be lucky to even get him in the elevator.'_

_'You'll convince him, I know you will. I can tell by your voice that you're tempted so no trying to bullshit me.'_

_'You know me too well,' Adam replied, giving in._

 

~~~~

 

The smile on Adam's face when he woke was quickly replaced by a frown. Yet another dream where there had been no Tommy. It had been weeks now since he'd seen Tommy in his dreams. Weeks of short snatches of tour happening around him, talking about Tommy, thinking about him, memories of Tommy, but no actual Tommy in any of the dreams, and while his dream self didn’t miss Tommy – because obviously he saw him when Adam wasn't dreaming – his real self was missing him like a limb. Which was completely ridiculous because the man wasn't even real! 

If he could stop dreaming about Tommy, he would. Honest to fucking God, this was all becoming more than a joke now. The universe was cocking things up again. He'd been all for just relaxing and enjoying the dreams as Sutan had suggested because they were making him happy. They were better than his real life in many ways, mostly because he had Tommy - someone who loved him so much and whom he loved in equal measure. 

Now, though, all he felt when he woke was the ache thumping away in the hole Tommy left in his heart. Fuck, he didn’t even know how to explain to himself that he'd fallen in love with an imaginary person. Someone he'd conjured, no doubt from his subconscious, but imaginary all the same. If he couldn't even explain it to himself how would he explain it to someone else? 

Adam told himself to get a grip because he had a heap of shit to do today that was culminating in a huge awards show where he was pretty sure his second album was going to receive an award. He had to show some enthusiasm for it. 

 

~~~~

 

After a week of almost no sleep, spending his time with Evie and his sister and family and rushing off to play in the band a couple of nights, Tommy was exhausted. 

'You should take a break,' Lisa said, walking into Evie's room and taking a seat beside Tommy. She rested her head on his shoulder and he turned and kissed it. 

'I'm good. It's nice sitting here chatting with her. She doesn’t interrupt.' He grinned tiredly as Lisa punched his arm. 

'I'm serious, though. You need time away.'

'I get time away,' he replied. 'Besides you're here more often than I am.'

'Tommy, she's my baby. I'd be here twenty-four hours a day if I could. But even I know I have limits and need to rest.'

'Not to mention that you're still recovering from that caesarean.'

'Even so, do me a favour and get some rest?'

'I will. When she comes home.'

Tommy was trying to remain positive but even he had to face the fact that Evie wasn't getting any better. The doctors were trying their hardest to control her infection, but Evie's lungs were struggling harder and harder each day just to breathe. But until the unthinkable happened, there was always hope. 

'If she comes home,' Lisa whispered. Tommy looked at her quickly, to see she looked shocked that she'd voiced her fear aloud. She looked up at him and the guilt in her eyes was nearly Tommy's undoing. 

'You think she won't?' Tommy asked hesitantly. 

Lisa's lip trembled and she turned away, putting her hands into the humidicrib gloves. Tenderly she stroked Evie's arm and then nudged at her hand until the fingers grasped weakly onto the end of the gloved finger. 'I can’t even touch her, Tommy, she's too sick.' Lisa's voice was filled with tears. 'She's been a week fighting this infection and it should be getting better. Instead it's getting worse.'

'But-'

'I'm not stupid,' she said, voice shaking so horribly, Tommy wanted to clear his own throat. 'I'm going to lose her and I've never even held her, felt her skin against mine, kissed her forehead, smelled her.'

Tommy had no idea what to say so he did the only thing he could. He wrapped his arms around his big sister and let her cry while Evie clung for dear life to her finger. 

 

~~~~

 

Barely a week later, Evie died in her parents' arms. They'd been allowed to hold her for her last hours to have some short time to learn everything there was to know about their baby. How her skin felt, how her breath felt against their skin, how she smelled, and how wonderful it was to hold her and feel the weight of her tiny body in their arms. 

They had a lovely few hours, filled with many tears and joy. Beth cried on one shoulder, his mom on the other, and all he could do was put both arms around two of the most important women in his life and hold them as they said goodbye. 

They say that you can live a lifetime in the space of a single breath. All Tommy knew when he held her and looked down into Evie's tiny, beautiful face, was that for what seemed a mere fleeting moment, shorter than the space of a breath, he’d been given the precious gift, the privilege, of sharing her life.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song in the dream part of this chapter is for @zoodlemouse13 because she asked for it. It is, of course, Roberta Flack's 'First Time Ever I saw Your Face'. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Go9aks4aujM

Chapter 8

 

‘What do you mean, Monte?’

‘Just exactly what I said,’ Monte replied, a cross between frustration and hesitation in his voice. ‘I’m throwing my support behind the Beg for Mercy album Welsford is putting together of those songs we did for him.’

Adam frowned and stared hard at his friend. ‘I heard what you said. I don’t understand why, though.’

Monte stroked his beard and looked anywhere but at Adam and Adam wanted to slap his face to make him look at him. He was having trouble understanding why Monte would side against him in this when he knew Adam’s feelings about those songs. 

‘I need the money,’ Monte finally replied. ‘Raising four kids isn’t cheap, you know, and with my album coming out it’s good publicity.’ Monte shrugged and still didn’t look at Adam. 

‘But those songs aren’t anywhere near good enough to release.’ Adam was trying hard to control his temper. He normally wasn’t precious about his past; it was what it was, but he did have some standards when it came to his music. And the songs that they played all those years ago were no better than a band jamming new songs. 

‘It hardly matters; your fans won’t care as long as they get to hear you sing.’

‘Monte!’ Adam exclaimed, not believing what he was hearing. ‘What happened to your musical integrity?’

Monte scowled. ‘We wrote those songs, Adam, they’re good songs.’

‘I’m not saying they’re not but not in the state they’re in on those tapes. They need a lot of fucking work to make them saleable. And you want me to agree to release substandard shit like that just to make a few bucks?’

Monte shrugged and Adam suddenly caught on to what was really happening here. 

‘We’ve already been paid for that work and any other money we’d get under that contract would be minimal,’ Adam said, watching Monte’s reaction. And he saw the truth in the flicker of one of Monte’s eyelids. Always a tell when Monte was feeding him a line. ‘You’ve cut another deal, haven’t you?’

Monte’s eyes shifted then and he finally looked at Adam. ‘I did,’ he said almost defiantly. ‘It’s business, that’s all. We need to capitalize on every single opportunity. You know this business, not that many artists, good ones, have a long career.’

‘That’s bullshit and you know it. Damn it, you play for Madonna, how long has she been in the business for? A long fucking time. And you play for me and I plan on still singing until they bury me.’

‘And neither of you play my music! Playing for someone else, playing someone else’s music isn’t going to keep MY name in the public eye. I want my name on your albums, singing my songs so more people are prepared to think of me as a solo performer.’

Shaking his head, Adam stood and paced the floor. He’d never want to stand in the way of Monte having his own career, but how was releasing second rate music going to help win him respect in the industry? ‘You’re cutting off your nose to spite your face agreeing to this. No one’s going to think this is a good move.’

‘It will be if I rework some of the songs before release,’ Monte replied. 

‘How are you going to do that when I won’t be re-recording?’

‘Technology is wonderful these days. We already have your voice down, we can make it sound how we want.’

‘You’re going to autotune my fucking voice?’ Adam could hardly believe what he was hearing.

‘Only where we need to.’

‘You’re fucking joking, right?’

‘No,’ Monte replied defiantly. 

‘I can’t believe you’re really selling out. I know you hate that autotune crap as much as I do. You were always so proud of singing with someone that didn’t need it and refused to use it.’

‘Things change.’ There was a mulish tone to Monte’s voice now and Adam had no idea what to say to someone he’d counted as family, but had now seemed to turn on him. 

‘Why did you wait until now to tell me? Why lie when I asked you about it months ago?’

‘Thought you’d try and stop it.’

‘So instead you let me be blindsided by all this?’

‘Well, sorry, man, just business you know.’

‘I don’t know. No. I think you should leave now. And know this, I’ll be doing whatever I can to stop this from happening.’

Monte shrugged. ‘You gotta do what you gotta do.’ He stood to leave. ‘I’ll call you tomorrow, when you’ve had a chance to settle down and think about it.’

‘Don’t bother. I’m quite sure I won’t want to speak to you again any time soon. Best if we just part ways for good.’

‘But...’

‘Adam held his hands up. ‘No buts. I can’t trust you anymore.’

When Monte left, Adam called his lawyer and explained what had happened and what he wanted. As he put the phone down and sat, the enormity of the situation, of losing one of his closest friends, crashed down on him and he began to shake, tears stinging his eyes and blurring his vision. 

Half an hour later, he was still sitting in the same place, hands hung between his legs and his head dropped to his chest. His phone rang, loud in the silence. Dully, he picked it up and saw that it was Monte calling. In a fit of rage he threw the phone hard against the wall and watched with satisfaction as it smashed into several pieces. 

 

~~~~

 

Tommy’s sister slipped into a deep depression after Evie died. Not that Tommy blamed her, really; he could not imagine the grief she was experiencing, his was surely nothing in comparison. And people never really knew how to talk to those grieving, beyond the same well-meaning and heartfelt but ultimately clichéd words of sympathy. He knew that they all understood what his family was going through, but all their kind words didn’t change anything, didn’t make him feel any better about it, though he appreciated the sentiments and the caring. And nothing anyone said was ever going to bring back that beautiful little girl. 

Tommy helped as much as he could with the arrangements for the funeral, tried to help by being around as much as he could for his family. But Lisa had Barry and they needed each other more than they needed anyone else and so a vague restlessness began to creep in. The one that made him feel like he wasn’t being of any use to anyone when he wanted to somehow just fix everything instead of standing by and watching Lisa fall apart. 

Of course, with everything that was happening, Tommy didn’t even think about his sleeping habits. What sleep, he would have asked himself if he had. Even when he fell into bed to try and sleep, his mind wouldn’t let him, it was so filled with sadness and worry. 

And somewhere niggling in the back of all the drama was the thought that if he slept at night, he’d have to face Adam again. He didn’t think that would be healthy. The real Adam was not in his life, was not in love with him and would not hold him and be a rock for Tommy to cling to when things overwhelmed him. There was just no way that Tommy could allow himself to become dependent on an imaginary lover. He survived on catnaps during the day. Once he even fell asleep standing up and it was only Mike coming into the kitchen to see what was keeping the beer that he woke up. 

It rained the day of Evie’s funeral. Tommy wasn’t surprised that Beth observed that even God’s angels were mourning Evie’s death. Not surprised, perhaps, but he silently mocked a God that would take a tiny child like Evie from her mother before she’d even had the chance to live. He knew he shouldn’t complain about Beth; she’d been very supportive in her way, but he had no energy to even care anymore. He supposed at some point he’d come to accept that she wasn’t going to be the one he couldn’t live without. 

 

~~~~

 

_’Why the caps?’ Tommy asked. ‘Thought we were staying in tonight.’_

_‘Nope, we’re going out,’ Adam replied handing Tommy a baseball cap. Tommy usually just pulled up his hoodie to disguise his hair, because that way he looked like any other ordinary guy. Besides, he wasn’t that well known that he had to worry about being recognized. Adam, on the other hand, always had trouble. And when he was with Adam, people always made a fuss if they found the two of them together alone._

_‘Where are we going?’ He put the cap on and tugged the hood of his jacket over the top._

_‘You’ll just have to wait.’ Adam grinned when he looked at Tommy, reaching over to pull the string on the hood tight around his face. ‘You look adorable and your face looks so tiny.’_

_‘Aw, you made me look like Kenny, man,’ Tommy complained, though inside he was amused._

_‘A Southpark reference, I take it?’ Adam’s finger traced the line of Tommy’s cheekbone, gently. ‘There is no way that any cartoon character could ever be as beautiful as you,’ he said softly, not waiting for Tommy to answer._

_Tommy swallowed, looking up, momentarily awed by the love lighting Adam’s eyes. ‘Flattery might get you…’ he stopped and smirked, ‘…fuck all.’ He grinned at Adam’s shocked face, and pinched his waist. ‘Now tell me where we’re going.’_

_‘For that, you can wait,’ Adam teased. ‘You’ll just have to trust me. Come on, I have a car waiting.’ He ignored Tommy’s pout and grabbed his hand, dragging him out the door._

_Paris at night was a whole different monster than during the day. Gone were the slightly seedy and dirty corners, the ones where age showed in grime and wear. Instead the city lights bathed the streets in what Tommy thought was the light that made people remember the city as romantic._

_Seated in the back of the car, Adam warm and close beside him, Tommy agreed with them. Anyone seeing the city like this with their loved one beside them could not fail to absorb some of the atmosphere._

_‘You sure we’ve lost the hangers-on?’ Tommy asked, really not wanting his evening spoiled by overzealous fans. As much as they both loved the fans, they deserved some private time, too._

_‘Positive,’ Adam replied, removing his cap and Tommy’s. ‘Tonight is about us. Just us.’ Adam’s arm slid around Tommy’s shoulder and Tommy leaned into Adam’s side, happy._

_He wasn’t quite as happy when the car pulled up in front of the Eiffel tower. Confused and a bit apprehensive might have been a better way to describe it. He could almost feel the blood draining from his face. ‘Dude, you are not taking me up there.’ No way, his fear of heights was a pain in the ass but it was very real. ‘Besides, isn’t it closed by now?’ He hoped it was._

_Adam held the door open for him while he exited, knees protesting that they really didn’t want to be working if Tommy was going to make them go to the top of that tower. Tommy might have said something about not being a girl over the chivalry of having the car door opened for him, too, but his stomach was also protesting._

_‘Amazing what a quiet word in the right ear can achieve,’ Adam said, catching Tommy’s hand and holding it tight. Tommy dragged his eyes away from the monolith and looked at Adam, seeing for the first time concern in his eyes. He knew he was close to panic, but didn’t realise it obviously showed quite so clearly on his face, or Adam wouldn’t have noticed._

_‘Tommy, your hands are shaking.’_

_‘Of course they are. You’re going to take me all the way up there and I’ll…’_

_Tommy found himself wrapped in Adam’s strong arms before he could finish the sentence. He knew it was an irrational fear, knew that there were strong safeguards in place to prevent people from falling – or jumping – but that didn’t stop him knowing that he would definitely fall. Or he’d get so dizzy he’d fall down and make a fool of himself and ruin Adam’s obvious desire for a romantic evening. Oh…_

_He clung to Adam’s strong, solid body tightly. ‘Okay, but if I fall to my death I am going to come back and haunt you for the rest of your days and then I’ll kick your ass until the end of time,’ he said, trying to force the shaking from his voice. He thought he succeeded._

_Adam’s gentle laugh huffed past Tommy’s forehead fluffing his hair. ‘Trust me. The trick with heights is to not look down. Where we’re going you only need to look out. Or at me.’ Adam kissed Tommy’s temple and Tommy took some deep breaths and stepped back, finally having managed to wrestle his anxiety under some sort of control._

_‘Well, looking at you is no hardship, I’ll say that much,’ said Tommy._

_‘Come on, it’s freezing out here,’ Adam said, taking Tommy’s hand and moving to the door._

_‘And yet you insist on taking me all the way up there where it will be even colder!’_

_‘I’ll keep you warm, Tommy,’ Adam said, a fond exasperation showing clearly in his tone. It made Tommy feel guilty. Adam was trying to do something nice and all Tommy seemed to be able to do was complain about everything._

_He sighed mentally. ‘I’m sure you will, you big furnace,’ he replied, fondly. ‘You’re so warm I expect I’ll be stripping off because you make me so hot.’_

_Adam looked at him in amused surprise and Tommy held off for a mere second before he snorted and broke out in laughter._

_As they ascended to the top, Tommy held tightly onto Adam’s hand and talked himself through letting the last of his tension drain away. There would be no one else up there; they’d have some precious time to themselves. What more could he ask for? He loved everyone on the tour, they felt like family - but Adam was his world and too often the demands on his time meant that even amidst the love of the others, he experienced loneliness. You didn’t have to be alone to be lonely._

_Besides, Adam worked so hard he deserved to enjoy some time off alone with Tommy, without Tommy being ungrateful or too shit scared to appreciate it._

_When their lift finally reached the top and opened, the attendant gave Adam a sly wink and held the doors while they exited. ‘An hour?’ he said, stepping into the lift after they were out._

_‘Yes, thanks,’ Adam replied._

_The man left and they were alone. Adam still had hold of Tommy’s hand and he smiled. ‘Let’s go see the view.’_

_Tommy gave him an encouraging smile and nodded, but swallowed hard at the thought of being out on the observation deck. So high…_

_Adam led him out there, but initially Tommy kept his eyes on Adam, heart thumping so loud he could hear it. An icy breeze hit Tommy’s face and he gasped softly as it chilled him. Nerves and the cold air caused a slight tremble to run through him. It would be all right, he knew that, trusted Adam. Even so, what if…?_

_Adam tucked Tommy under his arm and looked down at him, smiling. Tommy’s eyes closed as Adam’s face moved closer to kiss him._

_Soft lips pressed against his in a chaste kiss, and he returned the pressure. ‘We can just be Adam and Tommy up here tonight. No fans, no show, no interviews, no expectations, just two normal people who love each other deeply.’ Adam’s gentle tone and warm breath over Tommy’s cold skin made him shiver. ‘When I say so, look out. See how pretty Paris looks from up here at night.’_

_‘Okay,’ Tommy whispered._

_‘Ready?’_

_‘Yeah.’ No._

_Tommy took a deep breath and turned his gaze out to the view and stopped breathing. Far from being dizzying and frightening, it looked like something out of a post card. In places he could make out buildings, the closer ones, but it all seemed to be set against a backdrop of sparkling lights in a black sky. He unconsciously took a step closer to the edge, close enough to reach out and hold on to the railing. He definitely wasn’t ready to look down yet but this, looking out, he could handle. He took a breath, his heart rate settled down, and he knew there was a smile a mile wide on his face. ‘It’s beautiful,’ he breathed, feeling Adam move behind him and slide his arms around him._

_‘Hmm,’ Adam breathed against Tommy’s neck. Tommy relaxed back into Adam’s arms, let him hold him tight, be his rock to steady him, while he drank in the sight and the newfound relative freedom from his fear of heights._

_‘Why does this not make me want to run away screaming?’ he asked._

_Adam huffed against his neck, the warm air sliding under the collar of his hoodie and making him shiver again. ‘It’s because it’s dark and you have less of a sense where the ground is and how far away it is,’ Adam said. ‘It’s because the light is softer, it tricks your brain into thinking that it’s not hard brick or stone. Everything is less overwhelming and exposed. Less substantial.’ Tommy felt Adam’s lips kiss his favourite spot just behind his ear. ‘Because I am here and would never let anything bad happen to you.’_

_‘All right, hero,’ Tommy snickered and pulled Adam’s arms closer around him._

_For several minutes they stood there, Tommy feeling content and safe with Adam’s broad frame warming his back and his arms holding him close. The view was really quite astounding and Tommy wished he knew the names of the imposing buildings he could see from the balcony. And maybe that’s why he wasn’t so scared; all the buildings close to the tower were big, solid structures that didn’t look like tiny Monopoly pieces._

_‘You cold?’ Adam asked him, voice soft in the quiet night air._

_Tommy shook his head. ‘I’m good at the moment. You’re like a warm blanket.’ He turned his head from the view and kissed Adam’s chin. ‘I love you,’ he said. ‘Thank you for bringing me up here.’_

_‘You’re welcome. I’m sorry there’s been so little time for us lately.’_

_Tommy’s arms squeezed Adam’s. ‘Don’t apologise. I know what it’s like, I’m living this life with you, remember. I understand. Besides there are plenty of people to keep me company while you’re gone and I see you every day for at least one meal.’_

_‘It’s not the same when there are other people around all the time, though,’ Adam said. ‘I miss it just being us.’_

_‘I know,’ Tommy replied softly. ‘I do, too.’ He turned in Adam’s arms and wrapped his own around Adam’s waist. ‘At the risk of sounding cliched, we have all the time in the world. You need to be doing this now, for both of us.’ Tommy grinned. ‘I expect to be playing with you on stage for a very long time, so I get that you have to put the work in. I get it.’_

_Adam smiled that ridiculous smile he always used when Tommy said something that really pleased him. The one that made Tommy’s knees decide to take a vacation. He was glad that Adam was holding him securely. ‘I love you, Tommy Joe,’ Adam whispered, sounding awed._

_In the past, Tommy had always felt uncomfortable around romance, never knowing where to look or what to say or even how to feel. Mostly, he’d just felt bored when he’d been in situations that called for this close, intimate exposing of feelings, and he’d make some smart ass remark to break the tension, but with Adam it was different. Not that they had a lot of time for romance, and they didn’t often need it anyway, but when they did, Tommy just went with what felt right and he usually found himself caught up in Adam’s eyes, trapped by how open and expressive they were. This time was no different; he was lost in them, sinking, and he didn’t want to break free._

_There was something so satisfying about making himself vulnerable to this man who, without fail, did the same in return. To know that they were both feeling the same things gave Tommy so much courage, courage to wear his heart on his sleeve for Adam, to find his strength and his fulfillment there. To break if he needed. To be whole._

_Adam’s hand lifted to Tommy’s cheek, caressing with his thumb as if afraid he’d break or damage him. Tommy leant into the touch, eyes still holding Adam’s gaze. ‘Right from the first time I saw you, I knew,’ Adam continued._

_Tommy smiled at him and nodded. They’d said this to each other before, but this time felt different. Here the atmosphere was virtually silent, only their words and breathing bringing the space between them alive. It was their own private bubble and nothing else in the world mattered._

_‘Dance with me?’ Adam asked, making Tommy blink, surprised._

_‘Of course,’ Tommy replied. ‘Always.’_

_Adam’s arms wrapped around him tighter and they began to sway. Tommy smiled, glad that all he was required to do was sway. This he could do forever as long as it was Adam he was dancing with. He leaned up and kissed Adam’s lips softly. ‘I could dance like this with you forever,’ he whispered._

_Adam kissed him back for a moment and then pulled back and searched Tommy’s face for several seconds. It wasn’t like he was after answers to anything; it didn’t make Tommy feel uncomfortable – Adam was just looking at his face._

_As they swayed to imaginary music, Adam’s hand rose and cupped Tommy’s cheek, warm on Tommy’s cold skin. Tommy watched him, heart full and so happy Adam had chosen him._

_Then Adam, his clear voice soft, and yet still strong and steady, began to sing to him._

The first time ever I saw your face   
I thought the sun rose in your eyes   
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave  
To the dark and the end of the skies my love

_Tommy wanted to close his eyes against the rush of emotion that welled up in him in hearing the beautiful words and tune being sung just for him, but he couldn’t drag his eyes away from Adam’s honest and heart-deep expression of his love. But he bit his lip to keep it from trembling._

And the first time ever I kissed your mouth   
I felt the earth move in my hand   
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird   
That was there at my command, my love 

And the first time ever I lay with you   
I felt your heart so close to mine   
And I knew our joy would fill the earth   
And last, till the end of time, my love 

_As the last note faded, Tommy couldn’t stop his eyes watering and he swallowed hard against the lump in his throat. ‘How did I get so lucky?’ he whispered hoarsely. Adam looked as if he was about to succumb to tears, too, his eyes were suspiciously shiny. But he smiled and kissed Tommy’s forehead._

_‘I’m the lucky one. I’m so glad I found you.’_

_Tommy buried his head in Adam’s chest and hung on tightly. ‘Thank you,’ he said. ‘Thank you for finding me.’_

_There was really no need for words after that, Tommy clung to Adam as fiercely as Adam clung to him and they swayed to a song where there was no music other than in their heads. He’d never known love such as this; it frightened him with its intensity when he thought about it too much, but then again, nothing had ever felt this right either. He was loved and cherished as much as he loved and cherished Adam in return. While Tommy swayed with Adam, hearing his heart beating sure and steady under his cheek, he vowed to himself that he was never going to let anything come between them, he was going to hang on to Adam, this perfect happiness, for the rest of his life. Because he sure as hell had no idea how he’d survive without him now._

_And Tommy knew every time he heard the song Adam had sung just for him, he would think of Adam, his love, this special night, and be reminded of his vow._


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

 

Tommy didn’t even try to argue with his subconscious when he woke up; instead he wrapped his arms around his pillow, hugging it, rolled up in a ball and unashamedly cried his eyes out. For some reason the universe had seen fit to gift him what he needed in the form of Adam Lambert. Who was he to fucking argue when he needed what his dreams were giving him? Later the enormity of what he was admitting would probably mortify him, but he’d never experienced that feeling of being the focus of such intense love before and certainty in the knowledge that he wasn’t in this alone and would never be alone again. 

 

~~~~~

 

Adam didn’t even try to argue with his subconscious when he woke up; instead he wrapped his arms around his pillow, and wept. For some reason the universe had seen fit to give him what he needed in the form of Tommy Joe Ratliff. Who was he to fucking argue when he needed what his dreams were giving him? Later he would probably remember that a dream lover couldn’t make things right between him and Monte, couldn’t take away the feelings of loss and betrayal, but he’d never before experienced certainty in the knowledge that he wasn’t in this alone and would never be again.

 

~~~~~

 

_As Tommy settled down on Adam’s sofa with a beer and pretzels to watch the Grammy awards on TV, he remembered with a smile the conversation he’d had with Adam when he’d been nominated. If things were different he’d be there with him now._

__

*****

_‘Guess what?’ Adam’s excited voice over the phone made Tommy grin. Nothing he liked more in the world than seeing – or hearing – Adam so happy._

__

_‘No idea, tell me,’ Tommy replied._

_‘I got a Grammy nomination! A fucking Grammy nomination, Tommy!’_

_Tommy grinned and did a private little fist bump. ‘That’s awesome! You deserve it,’ he said._

_‘I won’t win, but it’s still fucking amazing being nominated.’_

_‘How do you know you won’t win? They’d be crazy not to give it to you.’_

_‘God, I don’t even care about winning. It’s just…’_

_‘The recognition,’ Tommy finished, a quiet pride in his voice._

_‘Yeah. God, we need to celebrate or something. You are so coming with me to the ceremony,’ Adam chattered, animated into rambling. ‘We can go shopping for some new funky clothes and strut that red carpet like we own it.’_

_Tommy smiled, loving to hear his boyfriend so happy, but he knew he wouldn’t be going to the ceremony. They’d still not decided to make any sort of announcement publicly yet. And he was happy with that, as he wasn’t ready to face all the crap that would result. One day…_

_Adam could take his mom. Leila would love to attend the Grammy’s on her gorgeous son’s arm._

*****

~~~~~

 

In the weeks that followed, Adam tried to hang on to his feelings about his dream Tommy for as long as possible. Taking legal action against Monte and Welsford, though, tended to push all other things from his mind. His days were full of meetings to plan strategies, to go over old contracts making sure of his legal position, and it was all he could do to maintain his composure at times. And of course, once the situation became public knowledge, he was flooded with requests for interviews. He was lucky his manager fielded those, but in their daily meetings, he was briefed about them all. Instead of caving to request after request for a comment – he could only confirm the legal action so many times without repeating himself – they settled on releasing an official statement that covered everything he needed to say. On his Twitter account he added that he was saddened at the parting of the ways between himself and Monte but he thought that some things should be more important than making a few bucks. The support he received from fans was gratifying but ultimately meaningless because words could never take away that feeling of having lost a limb. All he could do was take one day at a time, get through it and hope that there would be something to make him feel there was a light at the end of a tunnel somewhere in his future.

Lying in bed at night, he took out the precious feelings and memories of his dream Tommy and relived them, using them to remind him that at some point his life would get better, he would move past this horrendous present onto something better. He had to believe that or else he might as well just give up. And one day, somewhere, there would be someone for him that made him feel the way his dream Tommy did. He would settle for nothing less in a friend, partner, lover, than the sense of complete rightness he felt with Tommy. 

Even though he treasured each memory he had of his dream Tommy, they had the unfortunate side effect of highlighting how huge the gap was between where he was and where he wanted to be in his life. The ache of loneliness never quite left him now he’d dreamt how wonderful his life could have been. So, as wonderful as those dream memories were, they ultimately left him unfulfilled. And they didn’t calm him enough to sleep more than a few minutes here and there. 

 

~~~~~

 

_’Where’s Tommy? I need Tommy!’ Adam called out across the room to Lisa, his manager. There were so many people here for his birthday that it felt like he’d invited everyone he’d ever known, and then some. Lisa shrugged and went back to her conversation with some record company exec that Adam didn’t even know the name of._

_Sasha pulled at his arm and said, ‘He mentioned something about having to take a call from his mom. Sure he’ll be back soon.’_

_‘Thanks, babe,’ he replied, disappointed but hoping there was no trouble at home. Hopefully Tommy would be back soon and they could cut the cake. He wasn’t doing that without him._

 

~~~~~

 

In the weeks that followed, Tommy battled with the feeling that there was something missing from his life. There seemed to be an aching gap where Evie had been and now she was gone the hole refused to be filled by anything he did. So much of his life had been planned around her needs; he’d even (happily) left a job in order to be there for her and his family. Now he was adrift, felt lost and worse, alone. Friends had been wonderful to both himself and his family over Evie’s death, but even surrounded by people he was lonely. 

He supposed that what exacerbated his loneliness is that he now knew what it was like to really be in love with someone, to know that your soul would never be alone again even if there were thousands of miles between you. Not that he was in love with Adam; he didn’t even know him, but the one in his dreams was everything he’d ever hoped he’d find – apart from the gender. If he was honest with himself he’d long ago gotten over the fact that in his dreams he was in love with a man. It just didn’t seem to matter much what bits a person had, he realized, just what sort of person they were. And in his dreams Adam was the sort of person Tommy wanted to love and spend the rest of his life with. He argued with himself that had he been dreaming about a girl who was just like Adam, he’d have fallen in love with her, too. 

Which only made it clearer that Beth was never going to be that person. At some point he’d have to do something about that. It wasn’t fair to her to continue this relationship if his heart was no longer in it. But as with seemingly everything else these days, Tommy just had no motivation. 

Most days he found himself lounging around the house when he wasn’t doing something for his mom or his sister. Shows with the band were always in the evening, so his days were his own unless they had rehearsals. Mike worked during the day, so Tommy became a bit of a hermit and stayed in, alone. 

His body clock settled back into sleeping at nights, despite the late nights with the band, but he hadn’t seen Adam in his dreams. The memories of the life his dream self was leading with Adam were there, joined up by little snippets of actual dreams where time was jumping forward in leaps and bounds. The tour had finished and they were back in LA, catching up with family and friends again. Adam saw less of Tommy, although they did manage to get together regularly and they talked or texted all the time. Tommy was never without his phone in his hand when he wasn’t with Adam. Dreams of having lunch with Sutan, watching Sasha audition for So You Think You Can Dance, all mingled with his dream memories of nights curled up on Adam’s sofa watching movies and making out and feeling like he wanted nothing more in the world than those nights with the man he loved. 

He missed actually dreaming of him and Adam, though. And wasn’t that an admission that he must be stark raving mad. 

 

~~~~~

 

_’Hey, life partner, when am I going to see you?’ Tommy grinned into the phone at hearing Sutan’s surprised giggle._

_‘Tommy Joe! Where are you? What are you doing? Why haven’t we seen each other for ever?’_

_Laughing, Tommy replied, ‘I’m in a cab on the way to Adam’s and it struck me that we never made that date to do the make-up tutorial you promised your fans. And don’t blame me for not seeing you for ages, I’m not the one who went and won Drag Race and has been queening all over the country being all famous and shit.’_

_‘I’m sorry, babe, but you know me, gotta earn a living. None of this sitting on my arse waiting for lover boy to get his writing mojo into action and finish that album.’_

_‘Hey, I’m working!’ Mike’s Mouthlike EP had been released and was a surprise hit. Surprised Tommy as much as it had Mike. Not that it made Top 10 or anything but it certainly made some waves and had surprised everyone. Mike being Mike though hated the limelight more than Tommy did, so they hadn’t done much promotional work for it._

_‘Sure, sure,’ Sutan teased. ‘Well I probably have some time next week when I get back from New York, so how about I call you?’_

_‘Sure thing. Gotta go, the cab is pulling into Adam’s drive.’_

_‘Okay, bye sweet cheeks. Muah.’_

 

~~~~~

 

Tommy’s phone woke him out of his dream and he frowned, ignoring it for a moment. Once more he’d missed out on seeing Adam in his dream. Damn his phone anyway, if it hadn’t rung, he might have seen… Oh, for fuck’s sake, Tommy swore. He was being ridiculous. Embarrassed, he answered his phone. 

Curiosity sent him to Twitter later on his laptop to see what Adam was up to. Curiosity and a barely acknowledged need to connect with him somehow. Even if it was only as a fan - a super creepy fan that had vivid sex dreams, and dreams where he lived an extraordinary life with Adam. Still, it was a comfort just to know that perhaps there was someone out there for him that would fit him like the Adam in his dreams did. Some reassurance that love like that did exist and maybe he was worthy of it. 

_Adamlambert  
@Adamlambert: Shattered at the parting of the ways but some things should be more important than making a few bucks. _

Tommy looked at the tweet in surprise. What had been going on while he was away? Who was he parting ways with? Tommy flicked over to Adam’s timeline and reeled back in shock when he followed a link to the official statement. _Monte?_ Tommy was sure his heart stopped for a few moments. Something really bad must have gone down between them for this to happen. Tommy knew how important Monte was to Adam; he was like a big brother, awesome friend and father figure all rolled into one. Tommy knew that Monte was one of the only other people Adam trusted with pretty much everything. Monte was…

The Monte Tommy knew in his dreams was all of those things but he was a dream Monte. Tommy had no way of knowing what they meant to each other in this life. Still…from all the stories he’d heard about Monte and Adam from before Idol, they must have actually been really close. Tommy’s heart ached. He wished that he could comfort Adam in some way, even picked up his phone and began hitting the numbers – before he remembered that Adam wouldn’t know him or even care, and the number he had certainly wouldn’t be Adam’s. God, he was getting so damned confused about what was real and what wasn’t. Why the fuck did he think he knew Adam’s real phone number anyway? 

He searched Monte’s Twitter and there was virtually no further information, he was only thanking fans for their support. Checking the @ replies only pissed him off. People who knew nothing suddenly had opinions on what was going on and who did what and how much of a monster Monte was. 

 

~~~~~

 

_’Adam’s just pulling up the driveway,’ Monte said, sitting on the couch opposite Tommy, who was holding a very doubtful Bea on his lap. She was looking at him as if she was wondering where he’d come from. He grinned at her and swooshed his fringe across her face, tickling her. She let out a small giggle and scrunched up her face._

_‘I might have to buy her from you,’ Tommy said, rubbing noses with the chubby baby. ‘I want a fat baby all for myself.’_

_‘Deal,’ Lisa said coming in from the kitchen. She looked tired. ‘Actually, no, you can baby-sit any time you want though.’_

_‘I guess that will have to do.’ Tommy pouted at the baby, who was now looking at him in a way that he just knew she was trying to figure out how to grab at his hair._

_A sharp knock on the door made Tommy grin. Adam was here._

 

~~~~~

 

‘Out of bed, you great lump.’ Mike threw a shoe at Tommy and it hit him on the leg. Tommy grunted and gave him the finger, then rolled over, wanting to go back to sleep and finally see Adam. It felt like forever that he’d been just missing him in his dreams. 

‘You have rehearsal, cheese breath,’ Mike persisted.

‘What the fuck is up with all the names?’ Tommy grouched. 

‘Woke you up, didn’t it?’

‘Mmph.’ Tommy didn’t move, thinking if he ignored Mike he might go away. 

Mike sighed. ‘Look, I just want things to get back to normal around here. I get that things are shit but you gotta stop just…going through the motions.’

Tommy turned his head and opened his eyes, looking at Mike. He was right, he knew it, he just needed the motivation to actually do something about the apathy and general lack of direction he was suffering from. The grief he would always carry with him, but the rest of the things that were wrong with his life could change. All but one – he couldn’t change that he didn’t know Adam, and being in love with him in his dreams would always be just that. A dream. 

‘Alright, alright, I’m up,’ he said, dragging himself out of bed. 

Mike gave him a tired smile and left. Tommy dressed, went to wash up and then headed for the kitchen, looking for coffee. Mike had some ready to go, as always, and Tommy’s gratitude towards his friend made him suddenly want to talk a bit about what was going on. 

‘Think I’m gonna break up with Beth,’ he said as he flopped down on the couch beside Mike. Mike raised an eyebrow and looked at him.

‘Seen that one coming for months, dude,’ he said. 

‘What do you mean?’ Tommy asked, surprised. 

Mike shrugged. ‘You just seem to…cringe sometimes when you speak about her or someone else does.’

‘I do?

‘Not all the time. Look, I know you like her, might even love her but you’re not ’in love’ with her, are you?’ 

Mike was pretty perceptive but Tommy hadn’t realised he’d been that obvious about his feelings. 

Tommy merely shook his head in response. ‘How do you know when you’re in love anyway?’ 

‘You’re asking me? I’m perpetually single and prefer staying in with my music than partying. When do I get to meet anyone?’

‘We should finish those songs you have and do something with them.’ Tommy was remembering the dream where he’d worked with Mike on an EP that had done fairly well; way beyond expectations. Perhaps that was his track into the music business and being able to make a decent living from it. 

Mike ‘Hmmmed’ and nodded and then went to get his own cup of coffee. Tommy’s thoughts returned to Adam as they seemed to be doing a lot of lately. He wondered what Mike would say if he told him about the whole other life he had with Adam in his dreams. Probably think he was mad as a hatter.

Mike returned and sat down again.

‘Mike, what if you had a glimpse of how perfect your life could be, with a person that you loved with everything you had. Like you know it’s not real and never could be, but you know what that feeling is like.’

‘Woah, deep thoughts for you, TJ.’ Mike laughed and then caught Tommy’s face and stopped, obviously seeing how serious Tommy was being. ‘You’re serious?’ Tommy nodded. ‘Then I guess I’d be…why can’t it be real?’

‘Because the person you fall for just…isn’t available.’

‘Well, damn, man, that sucks.’ Mike sipped at his coffee, a frown on his normally placid face. 

‘Yeah,’ Tommy said. 

‘And no chance of her ever being available, I take it?’

Tommy took a deep breath and almost told Mike it was a ‘him’ but he just couldn’t. Mike would think him nuts enough already. ‘Nope.’

‘Get over it and move on then, I guess,’ Mike said, shrugging. ‘You said a glimpse? Does this have anything to do with those dreams you were telling me about months ago?’

Tommy smiled ruefully. ‘Same ones. I’m still having them. Go on, tell me I’m losing my mind.’

‘You’re losing your mind,’ Mike helpfully replied. Tommy glanced at him but saw Mike was smiling and wasn’t being serious. 

‘Wanker,’ he grouched. ‘No wonder I never have a serious conversation with you.’

‘You know you love me.’

‘Only because you make me coffee,’ Tommy shot back. Wasn’t only the coffee, though; Mike was a great friend and always had been.

‘And you could be a little grateful for that.’ Mike thumped Tommy’s arm. ‘But seriously, dude, they’re only dreams. No point thinking that the fantasy can be reality when it’s a dream.’

‘Yeah…’ Tommy sighed because Mike was right and he knew it, though everything in those dreams didn’t feel like fantasy: they felt like the most intense emotions he’d ever experienced. Dreams aren’t real, he told himself, they intensify emotions, suck you into a world of perfect make believe and then jerk you out of it and leave you bruised and shaken and wondering what the fuck happened. He felt like he was on a fucking roller coaster of perfect make believe happy and perfect real angst, and the trip down was a doozie. 

 

~~~~~

 

_Adam: With you in spirit. Miss you! Xxx_

_Tommy smiled at his phone. Not having told anyone definitively about their relationship meant that Tommy got to attend family functions on his own. And while that didn’t bother him because he loved his family, today was a day where he could have really used Adam’s strength by his side. His favourite uncle had died in Hawaii and the funeral was one big Catholic sham._

_He texted Adam back: ‘Miss you too. Bad. Fr O’Halloran is pissed on the communion wine I think and Mom is pissed with Cunty Lou b/c she biotched about my tatts and piercings.’_

_As he hit ‘send’ he realized the typos and cringed. Damn._

_It didn’t take long for Adam to text him back._

_Adam: LMAO was that a typo or is she aptly named? Wish I was there and we could really give her something to bitch about._

_Tommy: Typo ;p Oh yeah? And what would you do?_

_Adam: Whatever would shock her to the point of speechlessness?_

_Tommy: Don’t really think bending me over the pews in the back row of the church and fucking me is really appropriate for a funeral. Still…you’ve made me smile, just thinking about it. Not much else to smile about on a day like today._

_Adam: Sorry, I know he meant a lot to you._

_Tommy: Don’t apologize. I hate funerals, especially Catholic ones. Brings it all back, you know? All the things I hated about school and church. What’s worse is I remember all the prayers, like they’re engraved in my head. They don’t mean anything, yet they stubbornly refuse to move._

_Adam: :(_

_Tommy: Everything is dark here, overcome by the dogma. I need your light, babyboy, wanna live in your arms always._

_Adam: Always, glitterbaby. You’ll always have my light to guide you back to me. Miss you and love you, now go and love your family. They’re precious and while you may not like their beliefs or customs, they’re still your family and they love you. But then hurry home because I need you, too._

 

~~~~~

 

Breaking up with Beth went as well as just about everything else in Tommy’s life. 

‘Have you met someone else?’ she asked, eyes full of tears and hurt. And anger. Like she was looking for a reason to be angry, to blame, rather than be hurt. 

Tommy immediately shook his head and reassured her of that, even though he felt guilty. It was technically the truth. ‘No, there’s no one else. Why is it the first thing girls always think of?’ 

‘Oh, maybe because it’s usually what happens when people break up.’ There was a sarcastic tone that Tommy didn’t like in her voice.

‘And you think that I’d do something like that? Seriously?’

‘I don’t fucking know, Tommy. These past months have been like trying to get some affection from a fucking iceberg. What else am I supposed to think?’

Tommy bit his bottom lip for a second to keep from saying something he might regret. And then he said it anyway. ‘You might think that the world does not revolve around you. You might think that not that long ago I lost my father. You might also think that barely a month ago my family lost a brand new baby and are grieving. You might think any of those things and think I might need…you know what? I’m not doing this,’ he said, stopping himself before things got too out of hand. He looked at her face to see a faint flickering of remorse. ‘I don’t want to fight. All you need to know is that I’ve been thinking for a while now that I can’t see this relationship being long term and so I think it’s best if we end it now. I’ve never cheated on you and there isn’t anyone else.’

‘Not long term? What about all the talk about weddings and babies? Your mom…’

Tommy interrupted her. ‘That’s just it. It was talk between you and mom, not you and me. I just let it go on because…because I liked you and I thought things might change.’ 

‘Fuck you, Tommy Joe, fuck you.’ She was upset and crying and Tommy felt like a heel. He wasn’t great with crying women; he usually just hugged them but that wasn’t appropriate now, was it?

Luckily he was saved by his phone beeping at him. While Beth dried her eyes on the napkin, he opened it up and found a text alert from Adam’s Twitter. He quickly glanced at Beth, hoping the heat in his cheeks wasn’t obvious, and then he clicked on it to open it. 

_Adam Lambert  
@adamlambert: Pot meet kettle. ;) RT: @milestogeaux: @adamlambert Always look for that bit of sunshine in the clouds. _

He smiled internally at the message, though it was tinged with some frustration. With all that Adam was going through at the moment it looked like he had lots of support from family and friends, but a part of Tommy that he still didn’t understand was resentful that he couldn’t be a part of that. If he could just dream about Adam; something …loving, where he made Adam feel good, then he thought this feeling of uselessness would disappear. He frowned. Now was not the time to be thinking of Adam; he still had to do the right thing by Beth, too, and be respectful about it. 

 

~~~~~

 

_Today was one of those days where if you had a choice, you’d curl up in bed and count down the hours until it was over. And if it wasn’t for the fact that Tommy was playing guitar for Adam in a show, he’d probably do just that._

_A comedy of errors was another name for a day that was rapidly becoming one where Tommy threw his hands in the air and yelled at the Gods, or whoever, ‘Come and get me you bastards,’ because whoever was in charge of the universe was having a pick-on-Tommy day._

_He’d had a hundred and one things to do, from picking up his costume for the show from the cleaners, to dropping into the store for more eyeliner, to calling his mom, to packing enough clothes for a few days on the road, to leaving Mike an itinerary stuck to the fridge. And everyone, but everyone wanted to delay him._

_If it hadn’t been for Adam texting him during the day or calling when he sensed Tommy was getting too stressed, Tommy was sure that he’d have blown up at some point. He knew he should have had all this stuff ready but they’d been late with rehearsal the night before and by the time he’d finally made it home he’d been exhausted._

_‘Come on, come on,’ he muttered. Waiting for the car to pick him up was a nightmare and while he knew the service was good, it didn’t alleviate his anxiety about being late._

_At last he saw the car pulling up out front, so he hightailed it down the drive and climbed in almost before the driver had enough time to open the door._

_Tommy took out his phone to text Adam._

 

~~~~~

 

‘I wish I could do something to help,’ Sutan said, running his elegant fingers through Adam’s hair. 

Adam sighed. ‘I know I’m making this a bigger deal than it should be. It just feels like nothing’s working right.’

Warm fingers at Adam’s temples made him close his eyes in appreciation as they softly began rubbing, soothing. ‘Don’t give up, baby, things will get better.’

‘I tell myself that all the time, right now it’s just words.’

‘Adam, god, listen to yourself! Look, no one will buy that bastard of an album and if they do, well, they’ll be treated to your amazing voice in some average songs, but they’ll know the story behind it and they won’t hold it against you. You know this.’

‘It’s not only that… those dreams…’

‘Still having them?’ 

Adam nodded. ‘Sort of.’

Sutan shifted Adam’s head on his lap so that Adam had to look right up at him. ‘How do you mean? They’re not making you happy anymore?’

‘If I could sleep, they probably would, though when I do sleep there is no Tommy. There’s contact with Tommy through text or on the phone but I don’t actually see him.’ Adam closed his eyes, knowing how ridiculous it all sounded, but he needed to tell someone. ‘I miss him so much,’ he whispered.

‘Oh, Ad,’ Sutan said softly, and continued stroking his hair. 

They were silent for a while and Adam wondered if Sutan pitied his clearly deranged mental state. But the hands never left his hair, so he thankfully succumbed to the comfort. ‘What are you thinking?’ he asked after several minutes. 

‘Dunno, really, only fuck the universe for playing such a cruel joke on the most amazing man I know.’

‘If I could stop dreaming about him, I would, you know?’

‘I know.’ Sutan’s hands continued stroking Adam’s hair for a few more minutes, then stopped. ‘Well, I say we fuck the universe back and do something fun.’

‘Right, I’m just a barrel of laughs at the moment. And it’s late.’

‘Fake it ‘til you make it, babe. Golden rule. Come on, move that ass of yours.’ Sutan gave Adam’s hip a swift shove and Adam nearly fell off the couch. 

Sutan was already dragging out his phone to check, and Adam let him. He was right, going out and having fun would be good for him. Might make him forget about things for a while. As long as they avoided any place that even looked like it might have paps so he didn’t have to avoid cameras or stupid questions. 

Adam grabbed his own phone and opened his Twitter account. ‘Let’s see who else is around,’ he said. ‘May as well take along a few others as well.’

‘Now you’re talking.’ Sutan flashed him a big smile and went back to his own phone. 

Adam flicked through his feed, sending off a few DMs to people who were online and looked to be at home. He noticed his horoscope tweet telling him once more about his soulmate and he frowned, a pang of injustice hitting him in the gut again. But he pushed it aside because he was going out and going to have some fun if it killed him. They should fire whoever was writing these things, he thought. 

_Adam Lambert  
@adamlambert FU horoscope, again with the soulmate? WHERE IS HE THEN? _

Not that it would make any difference but he felt better for it.

 

~~~~~

 

Tommy’s phone beeped at him and, dreaming that he was in a car on his way to a show and about to text Adam, he rolled over without waking, opened it and answered it. 

_TommyJoe Ratliff  
@TommyJoeRatliff: @adamlambert I’m on my way, babyboy, be there soon. _


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10.

‘Well, that’s sorted that out, then.’ Sutan grinned as he slid his phone back into his pocket. ‘Come on, time to hit the town. There’s still a crowd at Mr. Blacks, how about we head there?’

Adam thought about it for a few seconds, torn between wanting the security of people he knew and the anonymity of somewhere no one knew him and no one would wonder why he looked like he just lost his best friend. In the end he chose friends. Who better to jerk him out of the doldrums than the people who knew him best?

‘Sure. Just let me pass on where we’ll be.’

Adam opened his phone again and scrolled through to his DMs. As he did so, something caught his eye in his @s, and then caught his breath as he stopped and looked closely at it. 

 

_TommyJoe Ratliff  
@TommyJoeRatliff: @adamlambert I’m on my way, babyboy, be there soon. _

 

Certain he must be seeing things, he rubbed his eyes and read it again. He wanted to believe there was a real Tommy Joe in the world but if there was, the world made no sense. People you’ve never met before aren’t supposed to turn up in your dreams like Tommy had been in his.

But then who was it? Who else knew that the Tommy in his dreams called him babyboy? 

He must have made a sound - maybe he’d gasped or groaned - but Sutan was suddenly beside him, hand on his arm, looking at him in alarm.

‘What’s wrong?’

Adam could only stare at him. 

‘Ad?’ Sutan tried again, and Adam felt the pressure of Sutan’s hand squeezing his arm. 

‘Why?’ Adam croaked out, voice barely audible, because of course the only person he’d told about the dreams at all was Sutan. He must have mentioned Tommy’s nickname at some point and Sutan had set this up as a joke. Perhaps it was meant to remind him how ridiculous he was being, or to snap him out of the funk he’d sunk into or something. But it wasn’t funny. 

‘Why what?’

‘Why would you make up a Tommy Joe and mock me with it?’

Sutan looked confused. ‘I have no idea what you’re talking about.’ 

Adam shoved his phone at him and pointed to the screen where he still had the reply showing. He watched as Sutan read the tweet, looked even more confused for a moment and then grinned widely. 

‘Oh, Ad, this means he’s real? You can find…’

Adam cut him off. ‘Of course he’s not real. You’re the only one I told about the dreams, the only one that could possibly know his nickname for me is baby boy. You set that all up,’ Adam accused, wounded.

‘Why would I do that?’ the look on Sutan’s face was confused and it gave Adam cause to stop and think for a moment, to try and think rationally about all this. But nothing of these dreams made sense, nothing about any of this made sense – the only thing that did make some sort of convoluted sense was that someone was playing a massively unfunny joke on him. And the only person that could have done that was Sutan, unless he’d told other people about Adam’s weird dreams. But Adam didn’t think he’d go that far. 

‘I don’t know,’ Adam answered finally, ‘but it’s the only thing that makes any sense in all this. He’s not real, Sutan,’ Adam insisted. ‘I dreamed him, dreamed him! Don’t you get it? He’s completely a figment of my imagination, how can he possibly be real? And as you are the only other person in the world that knows about this, then you must have set this up!’ Adam’s finger jabbed at the phone. 

‘If you think I would ever do something like this, you don’t know me very well, and you’re not the person I thought you were,’ Sutan almost growled and his eyes flashed angrily, before softening slightly, shoulders dropping. ‘And if I had no idea what you’ve been going through with these dreams, I’d be insulted by your accusation and walk out to leave you to deal with this by yourself.’

Adam glared at Sutan for several moments before deflating. Sutan was right and, really, he’d known deep down that his best friend would not have played such a cruel joke on him. Although, where that left Adam trying to figure out what the hell was going on, he had no idea. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he started. ‘But if you didn’t, then I…I just…he might be real? Oh, god…’ Adam sat down heavily and looked at Sutan pleading silently for him to help.

The last of the anger disappeared from of Sutan’s eyes. He sighed and poked around on Adam’s phone for a few moments, before handing the phone back to Adam. ‘See? He’s real. According to his bio he even lives in Burbank, plays guitar and it’s a pity there’s no picture of him because he’s even the same age as you said he was.’

‘But he can’t be really my Tommy Joe, can he? I dreamed him up.’ Adam kept trying to tell himself that this wasn’t happening, that surely someone was playing the worst possible joke on him, but deep in his heart he desperately wanted this Tommy Joe to be his dream Tommy Joe. He needed it to be true. 

‘I think you’re missing the point here, Ad, he must be your Tommy Joe.’

‘Why’s that?’

‘Because he called you babyboy. Who else knows that nickname?’

Adam sighed, still too shocked to be thinking straight about this whole situation. 

‘And that leads me on to the next logical conclusion,’ Sutan said slowly as if waiting for Adam to catch up, but his brain felt like it had gone on an extended vacation and was slowly wrinkling like a dried prune in the sun. 

‘What?’

‘If he knows your nickname then he must be having the same dreams you are.’

Adam’s eyes snapped up to Sutan’s. ‘That’s impossible…isn’t it?’ He shook his head. ‘It must be. There is no logical explanation for two people having the same dreams at the same time. Two people who’ve never met and know nothing about each other.’

Sutan’s voice softened. ‘The universe is trying to tell you something.’ Adam looked at him. ‘You’ve always believed in astrology, you read your horoscope every day. You firmly believe in karma and the universe making things right somehow.’ Sutan sat beside him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. ‘This is the universe making things right, perhaps. For him, too. Perhaps he needs someone like you as much as you need someone like him and the Fates decided to step in and make sure you found each other.’

Adam leaned into the comfort Sutan was offering. He’d done a lot of shit in his time; seen a lot of strange things happen under the influence of some mind altering drugs, but he’d never envisioned something like this. For all his belief in the cosmic power of the universe and all the times he’d used it to explain things that no one else had an explanation for, he still found it hard to believe that this was happening the way Sutan thought. But, oh how he wanted it to be…

‘This might be the one, Ad,’ Sutan continued. ‘In your dreams you love each other to distraction, right?’ Adam nodded. ‘He’s dreamed that too. Odds are he’s going to be at least curious about you. Tweet him back, see what happens.’

This whole dream thing was really doing Adam’s head in and, while Sutan made some sense, Adam had to wonder about Tommy, and if he was like the Tommy in his dreams after all. Adam knew that there was nothing different about himself in his dreams, other than he was happier and in love. What if Tommy just ignored the dreams, didn’t remember them, or worse, thought them disgusting and nightmarish? He realized, belatedly, that he was already accepting that Tommy had the same dreams.

If that was the case, and Tommy had been having these dreams the whole time, too, then why wait until now to tweet him something? Adam huffed softly. How would Tommy know Adam had been having the same dreams? There would be no reason to tweet Adam at all. After all, a ‘Hi, I’m Tommy and I’ve been having these weird dreams about you,’ would only have made him look like an obsessed fan. 

‘Ad?’

‘Yeah, ok,’ he replied. ‘What should I say?’ He couldn’t think of a damned thing.

‘Did you have a special nickname for him?’ Sutan prompted. 

Adam smiled and opened up a DM screen. 

_@adamlambert_

_@TommyJoeRatliff Glitterbaby?_

He hit send and then followed Tommy’s account so he could DM back. 

‘What do we do now?’ Adam asked, still too shaken to even think properly. His Tommy could be real after all! What he really wanted to do was test the phone numbers he had in his head for his dream Tommy, see if those were real too and talk to him, hear his voice… Adam’s heart ached to hear Tommy’s voice again. Or more…maybe his dream Tommy’s address was the same in real life and he could do there and hold his Tommy close once more…

‘We wait for him to reply.’

‘What if he doesn’t?’

‘He will. Trust me.’

 

 

~~~~~

 

When Tommy woke up, he yawned and stretched, feeling oddly rested despite the frustrations of his dreams and the emotionally taxing day he’d had the day before. There was a weird feeling in his stomach…like something had changed and he was waiting for something. He smiled and recognised that he had this newfound freedom thrumming through his veins and he felt lighter than he had in months. His life was going to be different from now on, he could just feel it. Not that he didn’t like Beth, even maybe love her a little, and perhaps feel a little sad and guilty that she’d been hurt, but he undoubtedly felt liberated now she was gone.

He rolled over, picked up his phone and turned it on. The light had been flashing, indicating a message, and he realised he must have slept better even than he thought, because normally his ring tone would wake him. The message was from Mia.

_Hey, TJ, you keeping secrets or what? Babyboy? LOL. Ring me!_

Babyboy? Fuck, babyboy? How did she know about that? Tommy thought frantically how she could possibly know about the nickname he called Adam in his dreams. There was nothing, he was sure of it! He hadn’t told her; he hadn’t told anyone!

He quickly sent her a text message: _WTF r u talking about?_ He wasn’t going to ring her; she’d know in an instant something was up. 

No more than a minute later came the reply; _Check twitter, dude, and then call me! I’m serious._

‘Fuck, fuck, fuck,’ Tommy chanted as he opened his twitter account, dread sitting heavy on him now, removing all traces of the awesome mood he’d been in when he woke. Somehow he must have tweeted Adam and used the nickname. Somehow… in his sleep? At least Adam probably got thousands of tweets every day and his would hopefully go unnoticed in the pile. Hopefully. 

The first thing Tommy noticed was he had about 500 replies. He exhaled heavily, resigned to being made to feel like a fool. Sure enough, when he flicked through his own tweets, there it was staring him in the face:

_TommyJoe Ratliff  
@TommyJoeRatliff: @adamlambert I’m on my way, babyboy, be there soon. _

How could he have been such an idiot? As he checked Adam’s tweets, he vaguely remembered sending Adam a text in his dream – obviously he’d done it for real. He gave a short laugh when he saw what tweet of Adam’s he’d replied to. Soulmate…

So much for going unnoticed. It was obvious that someone had noticed. A huge part of him wanted to just wipe the replies, clear them out so he’d not have to suffer the humiliation of Adam’s fans laughing at him. But it was like a train wreck and he couldn’t not look. 

The comments started off innocuously enough, with people asking who the fuck he thought he was calling Adam baby boy and laughing at him for responding to a soul mate tweet like that. Some thought he was a cute fanboy. 

Then the tone of the comments changed. Tommy frowned, because people were asking who he was, how he knew Adam and where they’d met and did he like that he was the 550th person Adam had followed. ‘What the…’ Tommy breathed, stunned and rather sick to the stomach. Fair enough, he’d made a dumb mistake by tweeting Adam, thinking he was texting him in his dream, but why in hell would Adam be following him? It just didn’t make sense, Adam didn’t know him from a bar of soap and they’d certainly never met anywhere. Except in his dreams, and those were just dreams. 

He was just about to put the phone down, ignore it all and stop thinking about what a fool he’d made of himself, when the light signifying a DM caught his eye. He sighed and assumed it was from Mia asking him why he was tweeting Adam Lambert such an intimate sounding tweet.

When he opened the message though, he almost dropped the phone in shock. 

_adamlambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff Glitterbaby?_

‘Holy fucking shit,’ Tommy said, voice shaking as much as his hands, the phone screen blurring he was shaking that much. 

What the fuck was he supposed to do now?


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

 

The light from Tommy’s phone flashed, making eerie shadows on the wall, but Tommy just stared at them unseeing, too astounded by what he’d read to even think straight. To say he was confused would be an understatement; what had happened was impossible! And the more he thought about it, the more impossible it seemed. 

He thought he’d always kept a very clear line between knowing what was real, and what was part of these amazing, wonderful dreams he’d been having. And never the two lines crossed: well, hardly ever, he reminded himself. Sometimes he _had_ forgotten where…who…he was and mixed them up. And he had followed Adam’s career since he’d started having the dreams, but he’d never crossed that line thinking any of his dreams were real, never stalked the star, tweeted him, sent him fanmail, or acted like he knew him. At all! 

His mind was in utter chaos and he had no idea what to do, couldn’t even bring himself to move his hand to shut his phone down. 

Focus, he urged himself, and managed to turn the phone off. Once he started it was easier to keep moving and so he dropped it back onto the side table and face-planted his pillow to try and stop his mind from spinning out of control. It didn’t matter if he could barely breathe; he figured it might be like breathing into a paper bag anyway - enough to stop him from hyperventilating. 

What did it mean, Adam knowing the nickname he called Tommy in his dreams? After ruling out Adam finding out by some roundabout way from a friend of Tommy’s telling another friend who told another friend, and so on, all other supernatural phenomena, as well as conspiracy theories about the government tracking his thoughts and dreams, Tommy could only come to one possible conclusion. And that was after he discarded thinking Adam had made a lucky guess because, really, how likely was that? The only logical conclusion was that Adam was having the same dreams as Tommy. 

And that was what was blowing Tommy’s mind. How did that even happen? It was bad enough he thought he was a freak dreaming about a whole other life as a gay man in love with one of the biggest music stars around, while he thought he was dreaming of it by himself. What sort of fucked up scenario was going on when the subject of those deluded dreams, fantasies, was also dreaming the exact same thing?

Tommy had no idea Adam was dreaming the exact same thing, though, perhaps he’d been dreaming different scenes. Perhaps in Adam’s dreams they were just friends and Adam hadn’t dreamt about all the times they’d had sex. And just how much Tommy had loved it.

Tommy’s whole body blushed at the thought that Adam Lambert might have dreamed about what Tommy looked like spread out naked on a bed, strung out on being rimmed until he came from Adam’s tongue alone, or on all fours pressing his ass back onto Adam’s cock like he needed it to survive. How fucking mortifying! Especially seeing as he wasn’t gay. Except that in his dreams he might be…? Oh, for…fuck, he couldn’t even keep anything in his head straight… Tommy groaned and wished he’d never woken up.

***

An hour later, Tommy was still wishing he’d never woken. He’d yet to rouse himself enough to get out of bed. There didn’t seem much point. He could stay in bed forever and never have to face the humiliating consequences of his stupid mistake.

His thoughts were still rattling around like loose screws in his head. Along with thoughts like wondering how he was ever going to face people again, came wistful thoughts of wondering if Adam was in reality as lovely as he was in Tommy’s dreams. And for several minutes Tommy would let his hope take over and …just dream. There was no denying it; Tommy had been so happy in his dreams and part of him wanted that happiness for himself. For real. 

Of course his rational self insisted there was no way it was possible because Adam Lambert was Adam Lambert and Tommy Joe Ratliff was a nobody. But then how did Adam know that nickname? 

There was no help for it; he needed someone else to speak to about everything. Perhaps Mia could help him sort out what to think about it all, what to do next. He grabbed his phone.

‘You working today?’ he asked without preamble when she answered.

‘Hello to you, too,’ Mia replied, not letting him get away with that. 

‘Mia,’ he whined. 

‘Tommy Joe,’ she countered, not budging an inch. Bitch.

‘Hello, Mia,’ he said, giving in. 

‘Hi, Tommy. No, I’m not working today.’ Tommy could hear the smile in her voice. 

‘Will you come over, please?’

‘You going to explain to me about tweeting Adam Lambert?’

‘Yes.’ He sighed. ‘But don’t be surprised if you find yourself wanting to have me committed.’

‘I wouldn’t do that to you. Besides, I could do with a good laugh at you fanboying all over the gayest dude ever.’

Tommy groaned. ‘Not helping. I’m serious here.’

‘All right, point made. On my way, babyboy, I’ll be there soon.’ She laughed and hung up, leaving Tommy to wince and wonder if he’d done the right thing by calling her. She’d probably tell him he was crazy, but at least that would confirm it and get rid of this little sliver of hope that he could have it all. 

By the time Mia arrived, Tommy had dragged himself out of bed, showered and made fresh coffee – Mike was clearly not home seeing as there was no fresh coffee ready. 

He hugged her and then handed her a large mug of coffee. She looked at him, eyebrows raised. ‘I’m going to need this?’ Tommy nodded and, bless her, Mia just shrugged and took herself into the lounge. 

‘All right, tell me what happened,’ she said, after making herself comfortable on the sofa. 

Tommy told her all about the dreams he’d been having but, despite some disbelief in her expression, Mia mercifully stayed silent and let him finish.

‘So, I can only think I tweeted him while I was dreaming texting him,’ Tommy finished. 

Mia put her now empty cup down on the table and looked at him, grinning. ‘How exciting is that, dreaming about a whole other life with someone famous!’

‘It’s not normal though, Mia,’ Tommy scoffed. 

‘Who cares?’ she exclaimed. ‘No, really,’ she continued when Tommy went to interrupt. ‘Who is it hurting? No one, that’s who. And in them you’re fucking happy, Tommy, and if anyone deserves that, it’s you. So what if you accidentally tweeted him? He has like over a million followers, most of them probably a lot crazier than you.’

‘Mia,’ Tommy stopped her. ‘I could have coped with just the dreams; I’ve been doing that for the last six months or so. They’re not the problem, this is.’ Tommy opened his phone, flicked through the screens until he found Adam’s DM to him and handed it over to Mia. 

Mia took the phone and looked at it. Tommy watched the expressions cross her face. ‘He sent you a DM?’ She laughed. ‘He followed you just to send you a DM?’

Tommy nodded, waiting for her to put two and two together. She didn’t. Not immediately, anyway.

‘So what’s with the nickname? Glitterbaby?’ She laughed. ‘Wonder if he calls all his boys that.’

‘No, just me,’ Tommy replied softly. ‘In my dreams,’ he added. God, he would give anything to be back in one of those dreams right now. It was hard enough explaining the dreams to Mia, let alone trying to discuss how Adam must be having the same dreams. 

‘In your… Holy shit! You mean…?’

‘He’s having the same dreams. The same fucking dreams as me!’ 

‘But…how…?’ Mia looked about as confused as Tommy felt.

‘I have no idea, but the ‘babyboy’ in my tweet to him was my nickname for him in my dreams, too.’

‘I have no idea what to say.’ Mia blinked several times and then placed her cup on the table. It rattled before settling, showing just how shaken she was. 

‘I don’t understand how this can be happening at all!’ Tommy said. ‘I mean there I was, happily heterosexual and living my life. Not a brilliant life but it was mine and I had my music and Beth and things were okay, you know. And now…’

Mia blinked again and asked, ‘You think you might be gay? Tommy, it doesn’t happen like that.’

‘No, I know that.’ Tommy frowned. It had taken him a long time to get used to the idea that he might like fucking blokes too. Well, one bloke in particular. Even so, dreams were dreams and distortions on reality. In reality, sex with Adam might be nothing like in his dreams. On the other hand, in his dreams Tommy was so in love, that awake he had to at least agree that perhaps a person’s bits weren’t the be all and end all when it came to emotional attachment and love. 

‘Maybe it doesn’t do to dwell on things that can never be,’ she said, carefully as if not wanting to offend him. Playing devil’s advocate. She was good at that. Tommy scrunched up his nose in frustration.

‘And what if he really is dreaming the same dreams as me? What if in his dreams we both…feel the same? Can you really sit there and say it could never happen?’

‘Tommy, you’re straight.’

Tommy sighed. He barely knew how he felt, let alone trying to explain it to someone else. ‘I was happy in those dreams, Mia. You said it yourself.’

‘You sound like you want to meet him and see if there is that same connection as in your dreams,’ she said, shrewd now.

Tommy looked at her, horrified. ‘What? No! Fuck no, there is no way I could meet him. Not going to happen.’

‘Why on earth not? If the universe is playing some sort of cupid with the two of you then how can you not want to see what he’s like in real life?’ 

Devil’s advocate indeed. To Tommy it seemed like she was changing her mind every time she opened her mouth. Women!

‘He’s not going to want to meet me! He’ll probably think I’ve somehow slipped him a strange drug and just wants to confirm who I am before he reports me to the cops as some psycho!’

Mia sighed, then laughed. ‘You’re having me on, right? There is no drug in the world that will do that and you know it.’

‘Well, I don’t fucking know then. What am I supposed to do? This is going to ruin my whole life.’

Clearly exasperated, Mia whacked his arm. ‘Or make it, you idiot. And nothing will happen if you ignore his DM altogether. Answer him!’

‘If I ignore it, it will go away,’ Tommy replied, stubborn. 

‘He’ll keep tweeting you.’

‘And if I continue not to reply to him, he’ll give up and go away,’ Tommy insisted. 

Mia scoffed. ‘Think about what you know of him through your dreams. Would that Adam put up with you ignoring him?’

Damn her, she was right. The Adam in his dreams would worry himself to death and then send a search party out for him. Real life Adam might hire someone to find out where he lived. Tommy scowled. At the very least Adam would continue to send DMs or tweets. And if he didn’t respond he’d have Adam’s fans after him. They were a scary lot. 

‘I have no idea what to say,’ he said, resigned to his fate. In all honesty, there was a part of him that was excited Adam had contacted him. But mostly he was just confused and scared shitless. 

‘Just say what you feel,’ Mia replied, ever practical. Her practicality could get him into trouble in this case. Tommy opened the message and typed in a reply.

_TommyJoeRatliff  
@adamlambert: Started this message a hundred times. Not a fucking clue what to say to you. I don’t understand. But yes, it’s me. _

He hit ‘send’ before he could stop himself.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Adam’s lounge was littered with empty coffee mugs, glasses and assorted wrappers, the odd sock and jacket thrown over the back of the sofa, and cushions that had been unceremoniously tossed into corners. Since sending Tommy the DM he’d been unable to sleep, let alone go out for the night, so Sutan had cancelled all their friends and they’d stayed in. Stayed up all night, too, waiting, hoping for a reply from Tommy. 

He’d never been more grateful for Sutan’s steadfast friendship. They’d stayed up and talked all night. Adam related just about everything he could remember about his dreams with Tommy in them – apart from the sex. Some things should remain private. Adam remembered a lot of times Sutan had spent with Tommy in the dreams, too. 

‘He joked once that you two were life partners,’ Adam said, smiling at the memory. ‘You threatened to run off with him if I didn’t treat him right.’

‘Can’t wait to meet him,’ Sutan replied, moving closer to Adam and leaning into his side. ‘I feel almost cheated that you have all these dreams of us and I have no idea what he even looks like.’

Adam moved his arm around Sutan’s shoulders. ‘I told you what he looks like. He’s tiny; you said you’d pick him up, throw him over your shoulder and run away with him.’ 

They both laughed. ‘That was when you weren’t practicing your make-up techniques on him. You dressed him up in drag one day. I thought he’d break his ankle on those stripper heels, but he surprised us all by being almost as graceful in them as you are.’ 

Sutan looked into Adam’s face and smiled. ‘He sounds perfect for you, Ad.’

Adam shrugged. ‘The Tommy in my dreams is. What the real Tommy is like I have no idea. Told you he might be fat and balding, hate make-up and have no sense of humour.’

‘And he might not be. Why would you be dreaming of each other if you’re not how you are in real life?’

‘Why are we dreaming of each other at all?’

Sutan shrugged. ‘You are, though. It’s hard to believe but there must be a reason for it.’

‘He might be straight.’

Sutan laughed. ‘Well, you have a history of falling for the straight boy.’

‘Fuck you,’ Adam snapped, but there was no heat in it. 

‘Just wait until he answers. Stop putting up barriers before you need to.’

‘Hmm, I guess.’ Adam yawned and stretched. ‘Perhaps I should have tried to sleep.’

‘You’re too tightly wound up about all this. No way would you have been able to sleep.’

Adam sighed. ‘I’m trying not to get my hopes up but I just can’t help it. How am I supposed to function when I know that someone, _Tommy_ is out there somewhere and might be my perfect man?’ Adam gave an ironic chuckle. ‘Soulmate. It was the soulmate tweet he responded to.’

‘I know,’ replied Sutan, with the fond amusement of someone who’d heard the very same comment many times during the night. 

Adam squeezed Sutan’s shoulder. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘I know I’m repeating myself. Just anxious, waiting for him to reply. What if he doesn’t?’

‘If it’s him, he will.’ Sutan picked up his phone and opened his Twitter account, reading for several seconds. ‘Unless he gets spooked by your fans. They’re hounding him a bit.’

‘What for?” Adam asked, frowning. 

‘Because you followed him.’ Sutan chuckled. ‘What did you expect? You have ninja fans who know every time you fart. Of course they’re going to know when you follow someone new on twitter.’

‘Not much I could do about that,’ he replied. ‘I have no other way to contact him. They should just leave him alone.’

‘They should, but you could always call him. Look him up and call him.’

‘Nah, because if it’s not him it just looks like stalking or some shit.’

‘Besides,’ Sutan said, grinning. ‘I bet you know his number by heart.’

Adam grinned back. ‘I know my dream Tommy’s number by heart, yeah.’

‘Wanna find out if it’s real?’

Adam caught Sutan’s crafty look and for a moment was tempted, but then he sighed, logic kicking in. ‘If it is him, there’ll be plenty of time for finding out what his phone number is after he answers.’

‘Can’t hurt to check, though.’

Sutan was right, Adam thought, it couldn’t hurt to check but something was stopping him. Something like his gut instinct, telling him to take one step at a time, to do things the right way and not take the risk of scaring Tommy off. If it even was his Tommy. Regardless of the seeming impossibility of this situation, he wasn’t taking any chances on fucking it up. 

‘I think I should w-’ 

Adam was interrupted by the burring of his phone, indicating he had a message. He caught his breath and picked it up, looking at Sutan for support. He told himself to calm down; it might not even be a response from Tommy. 

It was, though. 

_TommyJoeRatliff  
@adamlambert: Started this message a hundred times. Not a fucking clue what to say to you. I don’t understand. But yes, it’s me. _

A smile split Adam’s face a mile wide. Sutan leaned in and read it over his shoulder and then let out an undignified squeak at about the same time as Adam said, ‘Oh my God.’

‘God, I hoped for you, but never really thought… Ad, it’s _real._ ’

‘My Tommy is real. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, he’s fucking real.’ Adam’s hands started shaking. ‘How is it real? Oh, fuck, I don’t care how it’s real, but it is. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Now what do I do?’ 

‘The sky’s the limit now. Whatever you want,’ Sutan said softly, smiling. Adam noted there looked to be tears in his eyes. ‘Whatever you do, I want to meet your boy when you’re ready.’

‘Oh.’ Adam exhaled shakily. _Mine._ That had a nice sound. He’d never believed that was even a possibility. Until now. He took another deep breath to steady himself. The whole scenario was overwhelming so maybe he should just stop panicking and take things one step at a time. 

‘I need to answer him, don’t I?’

Sutan laughed gently. ‘Yes, that’d be a good idea. Although, you could always ignore him and just forget this whole soulmate thing…’

Adam glared at him, horrified. The mere thought of not trying everything in his power to keep Tommy calmed him down enough to think. 

‘As if,’ he told Sutan. 

Opening the reply screen, he typed a message.

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff Tommy! For real? I’m not still dreaming? We have to meet. Please? _

He didn’t have to wait long for a reply. 

_TommyJoeRatliff  
@adamlambert If you’re dreaming then so am I. Seems like we’ve both been doing a lot of that lately. Still not sure what’s going on._

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff Does it matter? What matters is we found each other, yes? _

_TommyJoeRatliff  
@adamlambert You can’t say that. You don’t know me._

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff All the more reason to meet, wouldn’t you say? Please, Tommy. Surely we owe it to each other to find out._

_TommyJoeRatliff  
@adamlambert I don’t know. I’m straight, Adam. _

The bottom dropped out of Adam’s word at the last DM. Well, there was an end to it. All that love and joy and peace he’d found in his dreams with Tommy was fake. He gave an ironic laugh – why the fuck had he ever thought it would turn out any different? They were fucking dreams for fuck’s sake, not prophecies or any alternate dimension or the fucking universe making up for shit or whatever other screaming fucking theories they’d come up with. They were just fucking dreams and it was a coincidence of monumental proportions that someone called Tommy was having the same dreams as himself. 

It hurt. 

And he realized that he should not have let himself get his hopes up. Dreams weren’t an indicator of what should happen in your life, nor were they supposed to give you subliminal messages. They were just fucking anomalies in the neurons of his brain that wanted what they could never have. 

He shook his head, blinking away the stinging in the corners of his eyes, and sent one last message. 

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff Sorry, Tommy. I’ll leave you be now. Thought the dreams meant more than they obviously did._

He tossed the phone down on the table and got up, heading for the kitchen and another drink. He’d thought maybe he should still offer to be friends with Tommy. Hard to go through the dreams like they had and just ignore each other. But he knew it would be too hard to talk to him or see him and not want him. And that was hardly fair to Tommy. Better to just cut ties now.

He grabbed a drink and returned to the lounge to see Sutan frowning at him. 

‘What?’ Adam asked. 

‘What happened? You were all happy and then you just switched off.’

Adam shrugged, trying desperately not to show how much he was hurting. ‘He’s straight. Not much I can do about that, so there seems no point in pursuing anything. Which reminds me…’ Adam picked up his phone and sent out a tweet.

_@AdamLambert  
Hey guys, no hate for @TommyJoeRatliff ok? Thought he was someone else, that’s all. #adumb _

‘You’re being awfully calm about this,’ Sutan said warily. 

‘What else can I be?’ Adam asked, stomach churning in anguish. The drink in his hand wasn’t going to help at all; he knew that but it hardly mattered. He raised it to his mouth, refusing to notice how much his hand was trembling until it was too late and the drink spilled from the sides of his mouth and dribbled down his chin. ‘God fucking damn it!’ he yelled, slamming the drink on the table and sitting down. Finally the ache caught up with him and he hung his head in his hands as a sob broke through. Warm arms wrapped around him and he leaned into Sutan’s warmth. ‘Fucking hell.’

‘I know,’ Sutan soothed. 

Adam’s phone burred again and Sutan stopped Adam reaching for it. ‘Let me, okay?’ At Adam’s reluctant nod, he picked it up and opened the message. 

_TommyJoeRatliff  
@adamlambert The dreams meant a lot to me, I just don’t know how that translates into real life._

Sutan sighed and hit the reply button.

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff This is Sutan. Apparently you know me from the dreams too. You should know that you’ve gutted Adam. He was so happy when _

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff he thought the man from his dreams was real. I’ve never seen him so happy as when he talks about you. The Tommy he talks _

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff about would never treat Adam this way. If they meant anything to you, you could at least meet him and explain face to face _

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff why you don’t want anything to do with him! _

‘What are you saying?’ Adam asked in response to all the furious typing Sutan was doing.

‘Hello.’ Sutan put the phone back on the table and slid his arms around Adam again, holding him close. ‘I’m so sorry, Ad.’

 

*****

 

‘You are an utter moron, you know that?’ Mia cried angrily, whacking Tommy on the arm. ‘What the hell are you telling him that for?’

‘Hey, leave off. Better he know I’m straight right from the start. Don’t want him coming on to me thinking everything that happened in those dreams was how I was really feeling,’ Tommy retorted, frowning, belligerent. 

Mia’s mouth dropped open. ‘What is wrong with you? Not long ago you were talking about how happy you were in those dreams and don’t lie to me, I could see it in your face, you wanted them to be real. You wanted to be that happy for real. And now you’ve turned into this homophobic bigot that I don’t think I want to know any more.’

Tommy scowled at his phone buzzing and opened it to find another message from Adam.

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff Sorry, Tommy. I’ll leave you be now. Thought the dreams meant more than they obviously did._

‘I hope you’re happy now,’ Mia said. ‘Asshole. I’ll leave you to deal with this on your own. Don’t know what you called me for, really. Seemed like you were hoping for something to work out, but in reality…’ she snorted, ‘I have no idea what to even say to you other than I am so terribly disappointed in you. Thought you were better than this.’

‘Yeah? Well go then. I don’t understand any of this! I don’t get why just because of these dreams I am supposed to all of a sudden be gay for Adam fucking Lambert.’

Tommy didn’t understand his own reaction. He thought he’d moved past worrying about all that. Maybe because it was now all in danger of becoming _real_ and it was scaring him half to death. Reality wasn’t romantic; a fantasy world where none of it was supposed to be real and he never had to face the repercussions of admitting to finding this guy so damned perfect for him. Reality was a hurt ex-girlfriend, a grieving family and a struggling musician trying to find a way to help his loved ones and play music.

‘No one said you had to be, but you haven’t even met him yet!’

‘My life is nothing like what those dreams were showing. He knows nothing about me, why should he care about me? It’s not my fault I’m not gay! For fuck’s sake!’

‘A chance to be happy, Tommy. That’s what you’re throwing away before you’ve even checked out if it’s a possibility. Those dreams didn’t mean nothing to you, did they?’ Mia sounded tired of arguing with him. 

Tommy sighed. And remembered. Remembered all the times that the Adam in his dreams had kept him sane, how the dreams had comforted him when the pain of losing Evie had hurt almost more than he could bear. Remembered how perfectly content he’d felt just resting in Adam’s arms. How wonderfully safe and loved and cherished Adam had made him feel. 

He wanted to cry.

_TommyJoeRatliff  
@adamlambert The dreams meant a lot to me, I just don’t know how that translates into real life._

‘I’m scared, Mia,’ he said. ‘What if…’

‘What if you’re happy? What if he turns out to be the love of your life? What if this was meant to be? Don’t you owe it to yourself to find out?’

‘What if he doesn’t want the real me?’ Tommy’s voice cracked and broke, because that was the thing that was hiding deep down in his gut and lighting his fear. ‘My life is nothing like the one in the dreams. I’m not that Tommy.’

Tommy’s phone started dinging, one message after another.

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff This is Sutan. Apparently you know me from the dreams too. You should know that you’ve gutted Adam. He was so happy when _

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff he thought the man from his dreams was real. I’ve never seen him so happy as when he talks about you. The Tommy he talks _

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff about would never treat Adam this way. If they meant anything to you, you could at least meet him and explain face to face _

_AdamLambert  
@TommyJoeRatliff why you don’t want anything to do with him! _

Tommy remembered Sutan. Remembered calling him a life partner, how they’d laugh over Adam’s desire to throw glitter all over everyone before they went on stage. Remembered how Sutan would dress him up in drag just to make Adam so hot for him he couldn’t help himself ravishing Tommy. Remembered how Sutan would look out for him with warm baths and lavish suppers when the rigors of the road and keeping Adam on track became too much for him. Remembered how they’d laughed at paparazzi snapping pictures and had played up by walking around arm in arm. 

Mia looked at Tommy. ‘What would dream Tommy do now?’

Tommy took a deep breath. ‘He’d feel like shit and ring Adam to explain.’

Mia gave him a small smile. ‘You know what you have to do then. Don’t fuck it up, Tommy.’

‘I don’t even have his phone number.’

‘You do. I bet it’s the same one. Try it.’


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13.

As much as Tommy would have preferred to take the easy way out and apologise over the phone or even send a text or DM, he knew that he should do the right thing and agree to meet with Adam. 

The fear that came with the possibility of everything being _real_ now, though, felt like acid burning a hole in his stomach. What if Adam took one look at him and decided he wasn’t worth it, wasn’t his dream Tommy? Even scarier, what if he was? 

What if Tommy decided Adam couldn’t give him what his dream Adam did? What if he could?

Over and over the questions wouldn’t let up, and one kept niggling in the back of his head – how would his family take him suddenly having a boyfriend, should this all go amazingly, incredibly, miraculously, right? 

Mia left after Tommy sent Adam another DM and arranged to meet him in a few hours. Tommy paced, thinking, wondering, worrying. He almost decided it might be worth just forgetting everything and going back to Beth. He was sure she’d take him back. Better the devil you know, right?

But then Adam’s smiling face seemed to materialize in his mind’s eye and he wanted him all over again. ‘God damn it, Adam,’ he muttered. 

Something had to give – either it would be his nerve or his sanity and at this point Tommy wasn’t sure he cared which. 

Then his phone rang and he almost jumped out of his skin. 

It was Lisa.

‘I had a feeling, Tommy, a really weird feeling like I needed to ring you,’ she said. 

Tommy gave a wry chuckle. ‘Yeah, well, I think I’m going insane so it’s probably a good thing you did.’

‘What’s up?’ For the first time since Evie died, Tommy thought she sounded animated. Tommy wanted to confide in her; she was his big sister. But she had enough to deal with looking after herself. 

‘Tommy? By your silence I can tell something’s bothering you, so spill, little brother. Else I’ll tell mom you were the one to drink dad’s vintage port back when you were twelve.’

Tommy decided he may as well tell her, not because of the threat but because if a miracle happened she’d have to know sooner or later, and perhaps it might help him make sense to talk about it – again. Even if it didn’t, he had time, talking might help it pass faster. 

‘What would you say if I started dating a man?’

He expected shocked silence as an answer, and then an explosion. What he didn’t expect was a quiet chuckle and, ‘I’d say I’m not surprised.’

Now it was his turn to be shocked. ‘What? Why?’

‘I wondered. I used to sit and listen to you talking to Evie about someone called Adam.’

_Oh God._ ‘Leese…’

‘It’s okay, really. In all that anguish, to see you smiling…helped.’ 

Tommy’s throat ached and he swallowed hard. ‘I’m so sorry.’

‘Tommy, listen, one thing having Evie taught me was that life is way too fucking short to bitch about stuff that just isn’t important. You do what makes you happy, you hear me?’ she said stridently. 

‘They were just dreams, sis,’ Tommy whispered.

‘They weren’t just dreams to you, were they? Else you wouldn’t have spent so much time telling Evie all about them. And you wouldn’t have looked like the happiest man on earth when you spoke about him.’

‘But still,’ he protested, ‘they’re dreams. I’m not the same in them.’

‘I know, I heard about them all. I used to sit there behind the screen and listen to you and watch you on the monitor.’ Tommy could hear the tears in her voice now. ‘I lost count of the number of times I cried for you. Cried happy tears because I knew, Tommy, I _knew_ that something like this was good for you, knew that you deserved someone good and kind in your life that would look after you for a change, someone that made you look like that. Like…like you’d found the answer to all life’s mysteries.’ Her voice was breaking. ‘I knew that one day you’d find him. Call it a premonition, call it me knowing one day karma would fucking take notice of all the love you have for people you care for and see fit to give something special back to you…’ She sniffed hard and Tommy felt himself fighting a losing battle with his own tears. ‘Call it what you will but…I knew.’ She took a deep shaky breath. ‘You’ve found him, haven’t you?’

‘Yes,’ he whispered, barely audible. 

‘Don’t let him go. If he is anything like you told Evie, he’s worth fighting for and keeping.’

‘But,’ Tommy began and then sighed. ‘It feels like you and Mia both have us married off and settled in a life of…bloody…whatever.’ He hardly had words for it but he felt that everyone was moving this thing along too fast, Adam included. They’d had dreams, for fuck’s sake, not premonitions, not visions of how things should have been, just dreams. Dreams made up of so many events, big and small and things that just never happened, so how could either of them possibly be anything like they were in those dreams? Experiences made people into who they were, pretty much. And these dreams never happened, so the chances of them actually being in love with each other were miniscule. And even if Tommy were to admit that he was happy being in love with Adam, that was the Tommy in the dreams, not the real Tommy. The real Tommy and the real Adam might hate each other’s guts. 

There was no denying that Tommy wanted. He wanted that same feeling he had for Adam in his dreams, wanted that strength and warmth and love that surrounded him. Was it going to be possible in real life where they were both probably different people? Tommy had no idea; he only knew that while wanting that with all his heart – now he could admit it – he was terrified no matter what happened. And he was amazed that one small admission could make him more terrified than the denial ever had. 

‘Just don’t think yourself out of it before you even try.’ 

‘I’m scared,’ he said in a small voice. Admitting something like that to his big sister was unheard of. Shit, he’d never done that in his life. Not even when his dad was dying. He’d been too busy keeping busy and organizing everyone else to think about being scared. 

‘What’s the worst that could happen? You don’t get along? Then what have you lost?’

‘I think…I think…maybe everything,’ Tommy said. ‘It’s like if I don’t know for sure, I can always live in the dream, you know?’

‘But isn’t the chance of having the happiness from your dreams worth the risk?’

‘Yes.’ Tommy breathed. Hell yes it was definitely worth the risk. Didn’t make it any less terrifying though. 

‘Good. Now take that leap of faith and go and find out what the rest of your life looks like.’

Tommy took a deep breath. ‘Thanks.’ 

‘I’m your sister, making you do shit is my job.’ There was amusement in her voice, and Tommy was glad for it. Nothing was going to calm him completely about this meeting with Adam, but at least he wasn’t freaking out, ready to flee the country shit scared any more.

***

‘I hope this is the right thing to do,’ Adam said as he settled into a chair at an outdoor table. The café Tommy had chosen to meet at seemed clean and fresh, and whilst he’d normally prefer a table inside, away from prying eyes, having an easy escape route seemed more appropriate.

‘Of course it is,’ Sutan replied. ‘You need to meet him if only for closure. And you need to listen to what he has to say.’

Adam wrinkled his nose. ‘What if I-‘

‘What if you are his only exception? Is that what you were going to say? Because if it isn’t I don’t want to hear it. I’ve had it with your doomsday questions,’ Sutan huffed impatiently. ‘What if you walked across the road and got hit by a bus? Live your life by ‘what ifs’ and you’ll never live. So just shut it and wait for him to arrive, okay?’

Adam blinked and closed his mouth for a second. He really must have been way too negative. Sutan usually joked him out of it but to become annoyed meant that Adam had let this whole Tommy thing dictate way too much. 

‘Sorry,’ he muttered. 

Sutan sighed. ‘Look, Ad, I get why all this is so important, I do, and I get that you’re crushed he’s straight but did you honestly expect for the two of you to set eyes on each other and just run into each other’s arms like some romantic fairy tale?’

‘No!’ Adam protested. ‘Maybe…’ he amended, blushing, because in all honesty, when he let himself believe there was a reason he and Tommy were both having the same dreams, he saw them meeting and pretty much carrying on where the dreams left off. 

‘Well then,’ Sutan’s voice was gentler now. ‘How about you look at the positives of being friends.’

Sutan was right, Adam knew that, but somewhere inside he knew, he just knew that being friends with Tommy wouldn’t work. Not if Tommy was as amazing and as wonderful in real life as he was in those dreams. There was a possibility, no, a probability (read: a certainty) that Adam was going to be as in love with Tommy in real life as he was in those dreams and if that was the case then he was fucked. Well and truly fucked. 

Adam sighed and looked around the café and beyond, keeping an eye out for both Tommy and the paps. He thought he knew what Tommy looked like – well, he had dream Tommy etched in his soul - but real Tommy may look different. Although he probably looked the same, he thought, then shook his head. Everything was so damned confusing. 

‘Okay, if friends is all I get, then…’ Adam paused as he caught sight of someone that looked remarkably like his Tommy crossing the road. He hadn’t seen them yet, but Adam knew right then that his heart was irretrievably Tommy’s. And he was totally fucked, too. Because Tommy looked exactly like his dream Tommy. Right down to the piercings in his ears. ‘I am so fucked,’ he said, heart tripping over itself to pump out of his chest. 

Sutan must have caught the look on his face because he turned to see what Adam was staring at. 

‘That’s Tommy?’ he asked. ‘I’ve met him before.’

‘What?’ 

‘That bar. Where I went dressed as Marilyn. The cute bartender I told you about? That’s him. I remember that ink. Damn, you got yourself a beauty there, Ad.’

Before Adam even had a chance to process the fact that Sutan had met his Tommy for real, Tommy looked around and his eyes caught Adam’s. Tommy stopped walking suddenly, like he’d walked into a wall or something. From this distance the expression in Tommy’s eyes was unreadable, but all Adam’s worries and fears disappeared. 

He smiled. This was his Tommy. His Tommy that he loved with everything he had. He smiled wider. Even though he’d known Tommy was real for less than a day there was always the doubt that nothing about him in the dreams was actually true. And now here he was, large as life, a living, breathing version of his very own dream Tommy. This could be any day in a dream they were meeting for a meal. Something they’d done hundreds of times before. 

This was his Tommy, and every single memory, every dream, that he’d had all made sense, all slotted into perfect relevance, and meant that they were supposed to meet, supposed to fall in love. This was all preordained and somehow, in some way, their lives had diverted from their proper paths and the natural progression hadn’t gone according to nature’s plan. This was fate and kismet and serendipity all rolled into one getting them back on the right path. They were true soulmates, Adam could feel it thrumming through every part of his body. 

Adam beamed and stood up, confident that everything was exactly how it was supposed to be. And even remembering Tommy saying he was straight couldn’t take the exquisite shine off this perfect moment.

***

To say that seeing Adam in the flesh was like a punch to the guts might have been an understatement. The shock of meeting his eyes for the first time; to see the recognition in them, stopped Tommy in his tracks and if his life had depended on it he couldn’t have moved a muscle. Because not only did he see recognition in Adam’s eyes, but then Adam smiled and he also saw fathomless amounts of love as well, and if love like that wasn’t enough to rock his world, he was fucked anyway.

In the dreams, being on the receiving end of that love was everything he could have ever thought of wanting, and like nothing he could have imagined. Seeing Adam smiling at him like that for real awakened the thought that perhaps he’d had those dreams for a reason. A thought that perhaps the reason they’d both had them was because they were unknowingly searching for what was missing in their lives. Adam in the dreams had everything he wanted and needed; a life doing what he loved that enabled him to live well, and he had Tommy to love and to share it with. In real life Adam had no one to love like he loved the Tommy in his dreams and even Tommy could see Adam was made to love someone that way. 

Tommy in the dreams was living a dream playing music with Adam and loving Adam with everything he had. In his real life, he was missing someone just for him; someone who would always care for him, someone for whom Tommy would always be a priority. Tommy’d never had that. Everyone always had someone else. He’d joked that if the end of the world were coming no one would choose to spend their last moments with Tommy. Everyone had someone else, that someone special that was just for them. He’d not really missed it because he had his friends and his family that he loved so much and he knew loved him, too. 

And that had been enough, he’d thought.

Until Adam Lambert had crashed into his life – dreams.

Tommy didn’t know what to do now. Adam still didn’t know the real Tommy; this could all still go terribly wrong and he felt like he was in one of those god-awful chick flicks where you wanted to scream at the screen to fucking hurry up and do something. 

Now he knew what the script-writers were trying for. Did he stay or did he go? He was on the edge of a goddamned cliff and didn’t know if it was safer to step back or jump and hope to hell that Adam was there to catch him.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to say a huge thanks to everyone who has followed this story both here and on Livejournal, and encouraged me to continue. It's been a journey, that's for sure. Random bouts of creativity and then nothing for ages. Think I need to feel angsty and teary to write these days. Need all the feels, lol. 
> 
> Anyway, huge loves and thanks to Monty for persisting with the beta picking up things I just never saw even after editing several times. <33333
> 
> And thank you to all the readers who've mentioned how much they're enjoying this on here, LJ or via Twitter. 
> 
> This is the last chapter, been told it's ridiculously romantic and happy-making and that's what I was after. So read, enjoy and nag me to move on to the next story. 
> 
> <333

Chapter 14

Seeing Adam stand startled Tommy into motion. The smile on Adam’s face was so confident, so all-encompassing that Tommy found himself realizing all his arguments were completely irrelevant. What in hell was he doing arguing himself out of a chance at… _that?_ Someone looking at him like he was the most precious thing in the world was worth jumping off the edge of the cliff in every single scenario he could possibly think of. 

They say the first step is the hardest and for the first time Tommy knew exactly what they meant. The first step felt like he’d been immobile for his whole life and had suddenly been granted the miracle of walking. One step and he exhaled in a whoosh, his whole body unfroze, a smile broke out on his face so wide that if he’d had coherent thoughts he would acknowledge it was the biggest smile he’d had for years. 

The steps after that were easier and as he lost himself in Adam’s eyes, memories of Paris flooded back to him. Dream Paris where he’d conquered his fear of heights, if only for a short time, and spent the most romantic evening he could have imagined with the man of his dreams. Literally. 

The sudden need to feel those arms wrapped around him again, to be held like he mattered most of all, hit him right in the heart, and he barely stifled a gasp. 

Adam seemed to sense his distress; his arms opened, welcoming, and Tommy could do nothing but run those last few steps and be enfolded into the warmth that was Adam. 

‘Oh, God,’ he breathed barely audibly into Adam’s chest, arms clinging to him tightly. The overwhelming sense of _finally_ made it hard to breathe past the lump in his throat, made it hard to stop trembling. 

Everything was the same; Adam’s strength and warmth, the hardness of his body, the steel Tommy could feel in his arms as they held him close. 

And his smell. Tommy found himself inhaling deeply, remembering. This smell was so familiar to him it was part of him. This smell was Adam, and more than anything it was this smell that made Tommy realize he was right where he wanted to be and he never wanted to leave. 

Adam was always going to be there to catch him, Tommy felt that with every breath he took, knew it every place their bodies touched.

***

Adam almost broke when he finally felt his Tommy safe and real in his arms again. His heart was so full, he thought he might be a giant queen and blubber his way through this whole meeting. Only Tommy’s softly exhaled ‘oh god’ and the trembling he felt under his hands made him pull himself together.

In a flash of total recognition, Adam gasped softly. _He knew this!_ His whole body recognized Tommy and the way he felt, plastered up against him, being held close, and his head tucked in under Adam’s chin. It felt like déjà vu only more, because every time he’d done this in the past it had been a dream, only now it was real. And the very real, solid feel of Tommy under his hands, vital, alive, and warm and _real_ made him cling tighter, never wanting to let him go. 

Eventually he did pull back slightly, enough to slide his arms up to cup Tommy’s face, lifting it so he could get a good look. Tommy raised his head obediently and looked up into Adam’s eyes. ‘There you are,’ Adam said softly, smiling into gorgeous brown eyes that melted his heart all over again. 

‘Sorry, I…’ Tommy started but Adam shushed him with a kiss to the forehead. Tommy’s hands slid up to grip Adam’s wrists, hanging on. 

‘No apologies. You have no idea how good it feels to really have you in my arms after all this time. I never thought…’ Adam’s emotions began to get the better of him again and his voice trailed off. He breathed deeply while he just gazed at Tommy’s face, considering himself so fortunate to catch those beautiful features softening into a smile, albeit a tentative one. 

‘For the longest time I thought I was going insane,’ Tommy said, slowly reaching up with one hand to trail a finger down the length of Adam’s face. 

Adam smiled, more in control now. ‘But it’s real and here we are and I don’t ever want to let you go.’

A shadow flickered across Tommy’s face, one that Adam couldn’t decipher but then Tommy smiled and the sun came out again. ‘And here we are,’ he agreed, ‘and as long as we take things slowly, I think, I think probably… you won’t have to let me go.’ 

Tommy’s voice shook and Adam understood why. Although the minute Adam had set eyes on Tommy he’d known everything would work out, he understood Tommy would obviously still have doubts and would clearly need time to adjust to being in love with a man. 

‘If slow is what you want, slow is what we’ll do,’ Adam said, drawing Tommy into another hug. ‘So long as we do this together, I’ll wait as long as you need. Whatever you need, Tommy,’ he whispered against Tommy’s hair. 

He gave Tommy a final squeeze, not really wanting to let go, but Sutan was waiting on them and if Adam stood in the middle of the café hugging a man, someone would be bound to call some sort of media and poor Tommy would be splashed all over the tabloids. 

Sutan coughed discreetly from beside him, as if on cue, and Adam pulled back, taking hold of Tommy’s hand. ‘Sutan wants to meet you, too. I hope you don’t mind he came along.’

Tommy broke out into another smile and looked around Adam. ‘Of course not. It’s great to see you again.’ Tommy stopped and frowned. ‘Um, I mean it’s nice to meet you. Shit, it’s going to be weird for a while.’ He gave a little shamefaced grin and gripped Adam’s hand tightly. 

Sutan grinned and stood up, making motions with his hands for Tommy to come and give him a hug. ‘We have actually met before, not that you’d remember; you were too busy looking at my tits.’

While Adam laughed aloud, Tommy merely looked confused, clearly trying to remember where he’d seen Sutan before. After a moment, Sutan took pity on him. 

‘You might remember me if I was dressed as Melanie. Tall blonde that walked into your bar one night. I offered you a blow job…’

Tommy laughed, warm recognition in his voice when he replied. ‘The blow job offer I remember,’ he teased. ‘What a small world,’ he said, musing. ‘This whole thing is rather surreal,’ he added as he leaned over and hugged Sutan. These arms he remembered too, he realized with a shock. Was everything going to be a case of déjà vu from now on? 

‘It is,’ Sutan replied, pulling away and letting Tommy sit down in the chair Adam had pulled out for him. ‘Imagine how much time and worry could have been avoided if you’d hung around and had that drink with us.’

‘My sister went into hospital, delivering her baby early,’ Tommy said, sadness etched around his eyes now. ‘So I had to run.’

Adam reached over and squeezed his hand. ‘She’s all right?’

Tommy nodded. ‘Her baby died a few weeks later, though. Infection in the lungs and she couldn’t cope.’ 

‘Oh, Tommy,’ Adam said, concern in his voice. ‘I wish I could have been there.’

Tommy turned and smiled sadly at him. ‘You were,’ he said. ‘I spent days and days telling her all about the dreams while she was lying there trying to fight the infection. And then…then there was Paris. So, you see even though I hadn’t met you yet, you’ve been such an important part of helping me through some really bad moments. I don’t understand it but…’

‘I’m always going to be there,’ Adam said, pulling his chair closer to Tommy’s. ‘No matter what, you’re stuck with me now.’

Adam didn’t hear Sutan sigh happily and stand, only felt his hand on his shoulder. ‘I’m going to leave you two love birds alone. Catch up with both of you later.’ He leaned in and kissed Adam on the temple and blew Tommy a kiss before leaving. 

‘He didn’t have to leave,’ Tommy said.

‘He’s a good friend, we’ll catch up with him later,’ Adam reassured him, barely even registering surprise that he had automatically assumed there would be a ‘we’.

***

Tommy nodded. ‘This is all a bit…’ He was feeling a bit overwhelmed. Despite Adam’s arms having such an effect on him, the tension was still bubbling there beneath the surface. Whenever he looked at Adam his heart wanted to just give in and be Adam’s, but there was a niggling little voice in his head telling him to remember to take things slow. He’d never even kissed a man before, let alone anything else, except for in his dreams. He wasn’t sure how that would go at all, let alone going slowly.

Echoes of his old doubts threatened to rear their ugly heads again. Adam didn’t even know him. He might know his dream Tommy, but not the real one. 

But…

But Adam was prepared to take things slowly, had promised even now to always be there for him…and the feeling of safety he had in Adam’s arms made him forget anything else even existed. _Just fucking jump,_ he told himself and took a deep breath before looking back into Adam’s eyes. 

‘I’m not…All those things that happened in the dreams, the Tommy you fell in love with, well, they didn’t happen to me, my life is different. I’m different. I guess I want to know why you think this will work.’

Adam tilted his head, giving Tommy’s face intense consideration, it appeared. Then he smiled. ‘Because you’re here. If there was nothing, if it all meant nothing to you then you wouldn’t be here. But you are. I knew it would be all right the first time I saw your face.’ Adam laughed, eyes softening and said, ‘Paris.’

Tommy wanted to close his eyes and be back in that dream Paris with Adam singing that song to him, but he stopped himself because he had his very real Paris right here in front of him. Adam’s eyes were the same intense blue, his look the same one that seemed to see right into Tommy’s soul. He baulked at first at baring himself to that scrutiny, but tried not to.

Adam’s hand came up and stroked Tommy’s cheek. ‘I can see how scared of all this you are and I promise I’m not going to push you or make you do anything you’re not comfortable with. I meant it. Whatever you need, Tommy. I’ve waited my whole life to love someone like you and I can wait until you’re ready.’

Tommy nodded, heart too full to say anything, and Adam smiled again and pulled back. ‘Now, let’s order some food,’ Adam said and indicated to a waiter. 

‘We’ll both have the salmon, but no dressing on mine and light on the butter for him,’ Adam said and the waiter nodded and left. Tommy raised his eyebrow. ‘You do realize you just ordered for me?’

Adam stopped, shocked. ‘Oh, fuck, I did too, I’m sorry I can call him back and…’

‘It’s okay, Adam,’ Tommy replied, smiling. ‘I remember you used to do that all the time in the dreams but you always knew what I wanted. This time is no different. The salmon will be perfect.’ Tommy had to laugh because he’d only ever had salmon a few times in his real life as far as he could remember. It wasn’t the type of food his mom liked to prepare and he could never afford to eat it when he went out. Adam’s slip up acted to relax him somewhat. Eating out was something familiar, that they did all the time, and eating salmon was something he remembered enjoying.

‘As long as you’re sure,’ Adam said, worried. 

‘I am,’ Tommy said. ‘I guess at some point we should talk about these dreams, but I really just want to relax and enjoy your company.’

Adam nodded. ‘It feels like forever since we talked and I know that sounds so very weird seeing as we never met before but it feels right, doesn’t it?’

‘I agree with you. And it is weird, well, it would be weird for anyone who hadn’t had the experience of those dreams but it doesn’t feel weird to me at all.’ 

‘I am so glad I found you, or you found me rather,’ Adam said smiling. ‘I can’t tell you how much I was missing the real you in my life.’

Smiling, Tommy reached out and placed his hand over Adam’s. ‘I think I know anyway. I was in that relationship too. I loved you just as much as you loved me.’

‘Tommy,’ Adam swallowed several times, ‘I’m going to apologise if I get a bit emotional from time to time. I just…’

‘Stop,’ Tommy said giving Adam’s hand a squeeze. ‘I’m going to be doing that as well, much as I don’t normally do tears.’

‘I remember once you did,’ Adam said, rubbing his thumb over the back of Tommy’s hand. 

‘I remember,’ Tommy whispered, remembering the awful night in the dream when he’d been given the news his father had cancer and Adam had comforted him in the tour bus, while he’d given into his grief and cried. 

Still surrounded by his memories of that night, he hardly noticed the waiter delivering their food. He automatically picked up his knife and fork and transferred all his salad to Adam’s plate, while Adam gave him all his potato. When he realized what he was doing, he looked up at Adam and laughed. 

‘Look at us. Like some couple that’s been together for years.’ 

‘We’ve just done things ass backwards,’ Adam said, smiling that gorgeous smile he had just for Tommy. ‘But we have the rest of our lives to enjoy each other.’

And it was in that everyday thing, that tiny glimpse of how their normal lives would be, that Tommy finally jumped, certain that he’d never need a safety net. He smiled, heart in his mouth, and wondered if he was going to cry after all. 

He took Adam’s hand and pulled him close, kissing him gently. All of his worries dissolved once and for all as Adam’s familiar lips and taste met his. This was coming home. 

He was the luckiest bastard in the world. 

 

 

 

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night. ~Bill Watterson, Calvin & Hobbes


End file.
